I realized this week how wrong-headed this approach is when I read this from C.S. Lewis:
The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's "own," or "real" life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life - the life God is sending one day by day: what one calls on'e "real life" is a phantom of one's own imagination.
I've allowed myself to get frustrated because I saw many of the natural tendencies of an average two-year-old as some sort of obstacle to living my life. In reality, this is my real life. This is what I am called to take care of right now. Real life is taking her to her room 3 times a night, dealing with potty training, and watching tantrums on days she doesn't sleep. If I am at my worst during these types of trials, then I am at my worst during the essential times of my real life.
We like to pretend that being tired and frustrated give us a reason to act in a certain way or give us a "Get out of Sin Free" card. I did that because I was frustrated, or I didn't mean it, I'm just tired. But it is exactly in the interruptions, in the frustrations, in the fatigue that we really show who we are. Another Lewis quote from Mere Christianity:
When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected; I was caught off my guard. . . Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is?
The interruptions, the obstacles, the irritants that we all face - they are not going anywhere. There are here today, will be here tomorrow, and will always exist. Whatever stage of life we face today may pass, but another one with new challenges awaits. To wait for them to go away, looking forward to what one calls "my life" (which simply means time uninterrupted), is a formula for constant frustration. And it's a self-inflicted mood.
My life will be no easier when I am out of this parenting stage. Nor will I be a better person or father. How I respond now is how I respond to life and reveals who I am. I can not wait for it to get easier for me to be better.
Great post! I have reached many of the same conclusions in recent months, shortly after our second son was born. With one child, it was fairly easy to live life as before, child in hand. However, having two children less than 2 years apart, it was obvious that our lives were going to look different for the next few years. However, I found letting go of my pre-kids lifestyle/mindset to be completing liberating. By simply adjusting my expectations, I now find each day to be more enjoyable. Instead of thinking about what I am missing out on, I take joy in the present. There will be a time when my kids need me less, but that time is not now.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, thanks for posting. I attribute my yoga practice for reaching my current mindset, but great to see that different paths lead to the same destination.