I've struggled to keep my head above water this week, so I've got no topics to write about tonight and no energy to create. I want this blog to keep moving, though; and I don't see a writing opportunity until this weekend since I'm leaving for a conference tomorrow morning. Due to that fact, what I'm going to do (and plan to do from time to time) is post some notes I've taken over the past few years on a certain topic. I've taken to the habit of having a notebook with me when I'm reading or when I'm in a position to learn something so that I can revisit what I've learned. Occasionally I'll compile those notes and organize them into topics.
This week I've posted below some random notes and quotes regarding dealing with adversity:
1. “No society has ever developed tough men during times of peace.” (John C. Maxwell, The Winning Attitude)
-attack problems w/eyes on the benefits, not the barriers
2. From The Complete Works of Oswald Chambers, p. 37:
- Being a Believer means that I hang to the fact that God is true no matter what happens
- “The problems of life get hold of a man and make it difficult for him to know whether in the face of these things he really is confident in Jesus Christ.”
3. Other thoughts I've jotted down:
- My challenge is to love those I am frustrated with (not criticize behind their back); what do I gain by criticizing?
- Make sure that all confrontation is loving and for the purpose of helping the other (not in retaliation or to prove that I am right)
- I must get to the point where I truly believe I can lose everything, yet have Christ, and all will be well
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Conference Reflections: Part 3
It's difficult to believe it's now been one week since I've been at the conference. The day was full of inspiration and optimism, and it's so easy to go back to drudgery and pessimism. It's unfortunate, but that drudgery and pessimism is simply more comfortable. Likely because I focus more on the world's effects on me instead of the potential of my effect on the world.
Before too much time passes, there are a few more ideas I want to share with all of you from the conference:
1. From Terry Bradshaw: "Everything you do in life should be for fun."
Bradshaw was the most dynamic speaker there. He held the whole audience in the palm of his hand, and he was absolutely on fire for the entire speech. He was funny and unpredictable, but more than anything else he was passionate. For 30 minutes, I wanted to be him. He looked like he was having fun doing exactly what he was made to do, and he was impacting people in the process. That's all I've ever wanted for my professional career. And that was kind of his focus. He kept saying that you have to find what your "it" is - whatever "it" is that you were made to do and that allows you to be passionate and have fun.
He also suggested a better strategy for getting out of bed in the morning than grumbling about the alarm clock. Instead, do three things:
1. Recognize that you're alive and that's a good thing
2. Be ready to say thank you to somebody, because no matter who you are or what you've done, you haven't done it alone.
3. Smile, because your day and the day of those around you will be so much better.
Cheesy advice, but sound. Waking up with gratitude and joy (regardless of circumstance) shouldn't be a revolutionary idea. But I know on the few days I begin in this mindset, I have a ten thousand times better chance at having fun and being effective.
2. From Zig Ziglar: "Build a Homecourt Advantage."
By Homecourt Advantage, what he meant was placing your home life as your top priority. It will be difficult to be truly effective at anything if that isn't true.
3. From Rudy Guliani: "Wedding discretionary, funeral necessary."
He said to imagine you have to choose between going to a wedding of a best friend or a funeral of a parent of a best friend. If you ever have to choose, choose the funeral. At a funeral, people need you more. As a leader, you should be where people need you, not where you're most likely to have fun. People need you more when things are wrong than when things are right. This philosophy should guide your time management: where do people most need me? If you know the answer to that, you know where you can be most effective.
Before too much time passes, there are a few more ideas I want to share with all of you from the conference:
1. From Terry Bradshaw: "Everything you do in life should be for fun."
Bradshaw was the most dynamic speaker there. He held the whole audience in the palm of his hand, and he was absolutely on fire for the entire speech. He was funny and unpredictable, but more than anything else he was passionate. For 30 minutes, I wanted to be him. He looked like he was having fun doing exactly what he was made to do, and he was impacting people in the process. That's all I've ever wanted for my professional career. And that was kind of his focus. He kept saying that you have to find what your "it" is - whatever "it" is that you were made to do and that allows you to be passionate and have fun.
He also suggested a better strategy for getting out of bed in the morning than grumbling about the alarm clock. Instead, do three things:
1. Recognize that you're alive and that's a good thing
2. Be ready to say thank you to somebody, because no matter who you are or what you've done, you haven't done it alone.
3. Smile, because your day and the day of those around you will be so much better.
Cheesy advice, but sound. Waking up with gratitude and joy (regardless of circumstance) shouldn't be a revolutionary idea. But I know on the few days I begin in this mindset, I have a ten thousand times better chance at having fun and being effective.
2. From Zig Ziglar: "Build a Homecourt Advantage."
By Homecourt Advantage, what he meant was placing your home life as your top priority. It will be difficult to be truly effective at anything if that isn't true.
3. From Rudy Guliani: "Wedding discretionary, funeral necessary."
He said to imagine you have to choose between going to a wedding of a best friend or a funeral of a parent of a best friend. If you ever have to choose, choose the funeral. At a funeral, people need you more. As a leader, you should be where people need you, not where you're most likely to have fun. People need you more when things are wrong than when things are right. This philosophy should guide your time management: where do people most need me? If you know the answer to that, you know where you can be most effective.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Conference Reflections: Part 2
Rick Belluzo, former president of Microsoft, spoke as well about strategies for success. I share that advice below, paraphrased by me. I follow each piece of advice with my own brief commentary in italics.
1. You must see every day as an opportunity to have a lasting impact. Every job and every assignment matters, because you come into contact with others who could be potentially impacted by your actions.
I often find this exceptionally difficult as a teacher. There are many days I don't want to approach one of my English classes as if it has lasting significance. There are certainly a majority of professional development hoops to jump through that I don't want to believe matter. But I'm around people constantly. My actions speak about me daily, as do all of yours. I have little control over which actions will be remembered by which kid, parent, or co-worker. Every day, therefore, must be excellent. Because when my impact ceases to matter to me, I cease to be relevant. To say, "I could care less what other people think" is a cop out.
2. Take on tough assignments. Tough assignments will provide opportunities for personal growth.
Too many days I don't want to grow. I want to be comfortable. But I also want to be seen as an irreplacable commodity. Those two desires can't co-exist.
3. Be self-aware - seek to find what you're bad at. Don't be oblivious to what's going on around you or to how people see you.
I know very few people who are good at this. I am embarrassed for the ones who don't know their weaknesses, and I have huge respect for those who do. It's exceptionally difficult to be honest about our own weaknesses or to care enough to ask others what they are. But when I think about the frustration I feel when in the midst of those who are oblivous, I see the necessity of developing this skill.
4. The key to perseverance: knowing where you're going. You must have a clearly defined, worthwhile goal that is the reason for overcoming obstacles. Without knowing where you're going, overcoming obstacles simply won't be worth it.
5. Maintain integrity by being hard-headed and soft-hearted. Be hard-headed with your priorities and values, but be soft-hearted with people.
Numbers 4 & 5 go hand in hand. Know your priorities and values. Allow them to guide you daily in what you do/don't do, overcome/abandon, and your interactions with people. I see myself as hard-headed. Perhaps the beginning of my weakness-seeking is the understanding that I lack soft-heartedness.
Just some ideas to share with you. More to come later in the week.
1. You must see every day as an opportunity to have a lasting impact. Every job and every assignment matters, because you come into contact with others who could be potentially impacted by your actions.
I often find this exceptionally difficult as a teacher. There are many days I don't want to approach one of my English classes as if it has lasting significance. There are certainly a majority of professional development hoops to jump through that I don't want to believe matter. But I'm around people constantly. My actions speak about me daily, as do all of yours. I have little control over which actions will be remembered by which kid, parent, or co-worker. Every day, therefore, must be excellent. Because when my impact ceases to matter to me, I cease to be relevant. To say, "I could care less what other people think" is a cop out.
2. Take on tough assignments. Tough assignments will provide opportunities for personal growth.
Too many days I don't want to grow. I want to be comfortable. But I also want to be seen as an irreplacable commodity. Those two desires can't co-exist.
3. Be self-aware - seek to find what you're bad at. Don't be oblivious to what's going on around you or to how people see you.
I know very few people who are good at this. I am embarrassed for the ones who don't know their weaknesses, and I have huge respect for those who do. It's exceptionally difficult to be honest about our own weaknesses or to care enough to ask others what they are. But when I think about the frustration I feel when in the midst of those who are oblivous, I see the necessity of developing this skill.
4. The key to perseverance: knowing where you're going. You must have a clearly defined, worthwhile goal that is the reason for overcoming obstacles. Without knowing where you're going, overcoming obstacles simply won't be worth it.
5. Maintain integrity by being hard-headed and soft-hearted. Be hard-headed with your priorities and values, but be soft-hearted with people.
Numbers 4 & 5 go hand in hand. Know your priorities and values. Allow them to guide you daily in what you do/don't do, overcome/abandon, and your interactions with people. I see myself as hard-headed. Perhaps the beginning of my weakness-seeking is the understanding that I lack soft-heartedness.
Just some ideas to share with you. More to come later in the week.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Conference Reflections: Part 1
I spent much of the last week involved in a field trip I finally got approved to take students to a "Get Motivated" seminar in Des Moines. Speakers at the conference included Laura Bush, Collin Powell, Terry Bradshaw, Rudy Guliani, Rick Belluzo, Zig Ziglar, Robert Schuller, and others. I was ecstatic to finally get permission, and so were the kids. The trip was on Thursday, and I'm just now sitting down to review some of the notes I wrote down. Today's blog will be a reflection on the conference, and I anticipate several more posts to come regarding this.
The first speaker was Robert Schuller, a pastor, author, and inspirational speaker. One idea that I remember him emphasizing was to get the word "impossible" out of your vocabulary. Mostly this was in reference to creating a dream. He also said that the dreams that seem impossible are most likely from God, because "With man it is not possible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:24).
Essentially, the idea is to dream big. Don't settle for comfortable dreams. Dream big, persevere, and believe that God is big enough to help you accomplish goals He deems worthy.
I've always loved listening to people talk about the need for vision in your life or for whatever group you are leading. It's inspirational to hear stories of people who believed in something huge, and then they accomplished it after much work and determination. But I always walk away frustrated at the end. The bottom line is this - I just don't know what to dream.
This is probably more honest than I feel like being today, but I've written it so I'll continue. I hate this about myself, because I often see it as a glaring weakness. Any individual goal I've set out to achieve I've ultimately achieved in my lifetime, but how many of them were grand, bold dreams? As a fickle teenager seeking approval from the world, I sought to become an effective athlete. This was perhaps my biggest dream considering the sheer lack of athleticism and ability I began with. I accomplished the goal. In college I wanted to have the top grades in my classes and become exceptionally marketable. Mission accomplished. Then I wanted a graduate degree and to obtain National Board Certification. Done and done. I wanted to run a marathon and hike to the top of Pike's Peak. I got to the finish line both times. And here I am, going after another degree. I look at this list, and it's nice, but does any of it really matter?
I'm stuck not knowing what grand dream to give my life to. Part of the problem is that I know that there is a cost to all dreams. Mostly, I'm afraid of it costing me time with my wife and daughter. And because I enjoy having time to sit on my porch steps blowing bubbles with my daughter or sit next to my wife on the couch watching "The Office" episodes, I don't feel like I'm wasting my life away.
But it's bothersome to not have a dream. John C. Maxwell defines a dream as "an inspiring picture of the future that energizes your mind, will, and emotion, empowering you to do everything you can to achieve it." I have no picture. I have nothing I am seeking to ultimately achieve.
I have priorities that suggest what my daily actions should be. I've at least got those to guide me, to help me evaluate how I spend my time. I don't feel like I'm wasting my life or leading a pointless existence. I feel good most of the time about what I do day to day (my Nutty Bar addiction aside). I just don't have that grand vision. And I fear the ability to accomplish great things without it.
The first speaker was Robert Schuller, a pastor, author, and inspirational speaker. One idea that I remember him emphasizing was to get the word "impossible" out of your vocabulary. Mostly this was in reference to creating a dream. He also said that the dreams that seem impossible are most likely from God, because "With man it is not possible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:24).
Essentially, the idea is to dream big. Don't settle for comfortable dreams. Dream big, persevere, and believe that God is big enough to help you accomplish goals He deems worthy.
I've always loved listening to people talk about the need for vision in your life or for whatever group you are leading. It's inspirational to hear stories of people who believed in something huge, and then they accomplished it after much work and determination. But I always walk away frustrated at the end. The bottom line is this - I just don't know what to dream.
This is probably more honest than I feel like being today, but I've written it so I'll continue. I hate this about myself, because I often see it as a glaring weakness. Any individual goal I've set out to achieve I've ultimately achieved in my lifetime, but how many of them were grand, bold dreams? As a fickle teenager seeking approval from the world, I sought to become an effective athlete. This was perhaps my biggest dream considering the sheer lack of athleticism and ability I began with. I accomplished the goal. In college I wanted to have the top grades in my classes and become exceptionally marketable. Mission accomplished. Then I wanted a graduate degree and to obtain National Board Certification. Done and done. I wanted to run a marathon and hike to the top of Pike's Peak. I got to the finish line both times. And here I am, going after another degree. I look at this list, and it's nice, but does any of it really matter?
I'm stuck not knowing what grand dream to give my life to. Part of the problem is that I know that there is a cost to all dreams. Mostly, I'm afraid of it costing me time with my wife and daughter. And because I enjoy having time to sit on my porch steps blowing bubbles with my daughter or sit next to my wife on the couch watching "The Office" episodes, I don't feel like I'm wasting my life away.
But it's bothersome to not have a dream. John C. Maxwell defines a dream as "an inspiring picture of the future that energizes your mind, will, and emotion, empowering you to do everything you can to achieve it." I have no picture. I have nothing I am seeking to ultimately achieve.
I have priorities that suggest what my daily actions should be. I've at least got those to guide me, to help me evaluate how I spend my time. I don't feel like I'm wasting my life or leading a pointless existence. I feel good most of the time about what I do day to day (my Nutty Bar addiction aside). I just don't have that grand vision. And I fear the ability to accomplish great things without it.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Lesson from Larry Littlebird
The course I'm taking this semester for my masters degree is called "Teaching Ethnic Literature." The unit we're on right now is Native American Lit, so I'm working through an anthology of short writings from Native Americans. In it I ran across an autobiographical essay in which the author, Larry Littlebird, recalls anticipating his first hunt with the tribe. The thing he wanted above all else was to kill a deer and prove himself worthy as a man in the tribe. He was in the hunting party, but he himself did not kill a deer. He then writes this:
“Killing a deer isn’t everything to hunting,” my uncles say. “Fasting and praying, a man works hard giving his self to the spirit the deer belongs to. We are only human, we cannot say what our giving should bring. Yes, we want badly to bring home that big buck; we can only work truthfully at doing that. The Creator will see our honesty; we must believe our reward will come about. There should be no disappointment.”
This stood out to me immdediately. I immediatley recognized the disappointment the author describes, because I've felt that disappointment. I also saw the rational advice I’ve been trying to get through my head and heart the past few years. I am only human, and I cannot control the gift I have to contribute. I can only work truthfully and with integrity, and I must believe my reward comes from that. It is not my place to harbor disappointment about my situation, but rather to do all I can where I am.
One of the things that the Bible teaches that I have a real hard time with is the fact that God doesn't need me. I've wanted so badly to earn my worth as a Christian by doing a job that only I could do. But that's not real. An omnipotent God doesn't need my work. God needs my devotion, something far more difficult to offer. It's also a blow to the ego, because essentially, I want to believe that I am of exceptional importance to the world. I want to believe society needs what I have to offer. I even want the pressure and responsibility of knowing that if I don't get done what God has called me to do, that job won't get done. But none of it's true.
I have the opportunity to do whatever of God's work is laid in front of me. The greatest benefit comes to me: I get to learn closeness to God. A secondary benefit is that hopefully I've made someone else's situation better in some way (whether it's through knowledge I share as a teacher, money I donate, help I provide, etc.). But it's not my job to tell God what I feel like doing or what I believe I would be good at. Moses tried that, and then I imagine he almost wet himself when God appeared in a flaming bush. Jonah tried that, and he became fish vomit. Peter tried it, and Christ referred to him as Satan.
Live well, serve well, and stay connected to the Creator. The lesson taught in those words and in this text as a whole is one that is not only applicable to me, but to all people of all worldviews. Do your work well. Passionately pursue the goals you’ve defined. Many times they will work out. Sometimes, however, they won’t. And when they don’t, you have to be prepared to embrace the quality of your work instead of the results.
“Killing a deer isn’t everything to hunting,” my uncles say. “Fasting and praying, a man works hard giving his self to the spirit the deer belongs to. We are only human, we cannot say what our giving should bring. Yes, we want badly to bring home that big buck; we can only work truthfully at doing that. The Creator will see our honesty; we must believe our reward will come about. There should be no disappointment.”
This stood out to me immdediately. I immediatley recognized the disappointment the author describes, because I've felt that disappointment. I also saw the rational advice I’ve been trying to get through my head and heart the past few years. I am only human, and I cannot control the gift I have to contribute. I can only work truthfully and with integrity, and I must believe my reward comes from that. It is not my place to harbor disappointment about my situation, but rather to do all I can where I am.
One of the things that the Bible teaches that I have a real hard time with is the fact that God doesn't need me. I've wanted so badly to earn my worth as a Christian by doing a job that only I could do. But that's not real. An omnipotent God doesn't need my work. God needs my devotion, something far more difficult to offer. It's also a blow to the ego, because essentially, I want to believe that I am of exceptional importance to the world. I want to believe society needs what I have to offer. I even want the pressure and responsibility of knowing that if I don't get done what God has called me to do, that job won't get done. But none of it's true.
I have the opportunity to do whatever of God's work is laid in front of me. The greatest benefit comes to me: I get to learn closeness to God. A secondary benefit is that hopefully I've made someone else's situation better in some way (whether it's through knowledge I share as a teacher, money I donate, help I provide, etc.). But it's not my job to tell God what I feel like doing or what I believe I would be good at. Moses tried that, and then I imagine he almost wet himself when God appeared in a flaming bush. Jonah tried that, and he became fish vomit. Peter tried it, and Christ referred to him as Satan.
Live well, serve well, and stay connected to the Creator. The lesson taught in those words and in this text as a whole is one that is not only applicable to me, but to all people of all worldviews. Do your work well. Passionately pursue the goals you’ve defined. Many times they will work out. Sometimes, however, they won’t. And when they don’t, you have to be prepared to embrace the quality of your work instead of the results.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
issues of morality
Sorry for the weeklong absence. I had a houseful of people for Labor Day weekend, and my daughter's birthday was yesterday. I'm back to what I hope is a regular routine of writing. Tonight I touch on the issue of morality as it has come up in the last week.
I held a class discussion with my Modern American Literature course last week regarding a Mark Twain essay in which Twain criticizes humankind for their evil behavior by comparing them unfavorably to the actions of other animals. The class is comprised of juniors and seniors, and they are often eager to be honest. The conversation was one about morality and the inherent goodness of people. I heard several interesting statements.
Perhaps one of the most common and surprising things I heard from these students is that they routinely do things they know are morally wrong. They admitted to commonly going against their morals in order to gain personally. Many even said there is a certain emotional rush or “high” from doing something wrong and getting away with it.
Their end conclusion from the discussion is that humans are selfish and greedy. They weren’t, however, ready to say that those two qualities were evil. Many felt very comfortable stating that the only responsibility anyone has is to themselves.
Today I had a colleague suggest that I take a sick day to do something I wanted to do that I couldn't get approval for from my bosses. I replied that morally I couldn't tell my daughter that lying is wrong if I was willing to engage in the behavior myself. She felt that while lying is usually wrong, in this case, the ends justified the means. If my bosses were going to be irrational, I had a right to do as I pleased. She also suggested that a lot of people are doing far worse things in the world.
In both of these scenarios, the only driving factor when individuals make "moral" choices seems to be self-interest. Right and wrong fits neatly around personal desires. Tonight, President Obama referred to his health care reform as a "moral" issue. I fear, if he's the same as the rest of us, that simply means it's an issue in which he seeking his own personal or political gain. Just as Republicans have for so many years by claiming to have a monolopy on issues of "morality."
All of this leads me to a greater faith in a Christian worldview. Man is by nature evil. The only redemption that can occur is through a Savior. And through Christ we not only gain salvation, but we also gain the ability to care more about seeking truth and purity in morality than we do in self-preservation.
To the best of my understanding, the explanation for the existence of a concience and the idea of morality from those who believe there is no God is that it evolved as a way of furthering the species. My problem with that is I just don't see a great desire in most humans to further the species - I see a great desire to further personal comfort. Right and wrong is arbitrary based on what an individual wants, not on how to better mankind.
A final word on morality from my reading tonight. King David is a man put on a pedestal in most Christian circles. David, however, had one major selfish, immoral act recorded in Scripture. David had a man killed because he wanted to get with his wife. Then he got called out on it. The prophet Nathan informed him that despite his best efforts to hide this black deed, God had seen it. Most of us, when called out about a wrongdoing, have a quick response of defensiveness or excuses. David did not. David wrote:
"Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to you."
He didn't say: "Others have done worse. I'm a good person. I'll be forgiven." He said, "I need you to fix this dirt in my sinful nature. And while you're at it, God, use this ugly sin to convert other sinners like myself to you, my source of joy."
I have many black deeds on my own record. I pray for all of us the purity and strength David requested.
I held a class discussion with my Modern American Literature course last week regarding a Mark Twain essay in which Twain criticizes humankind for their evil behavior by comparing them unfavorably to the actions of other animals. The class is comprised of juniors and seniors, and they are often eager to be honest. The conversation was one about morality and the inherent goodness of people. I heard several interesting statements.
Perhaps one of the most common and surprising things I heard from these students is that they routinely do things they know are morally wrong. They admitted to commonly going against their morals in order to gain personally. Many even said there is a certain emotional rush or “high” from doing something wrong and getting away with it.
Their end conclusion from the discussion is that humans are selfish and greedy. They weren’t, however, ready to say that those two qualities were evil. Many felt very comfortable stating that the only responsibility anyone has is to themselves.
Today I had a colleague suggest that I take a sick day to do something I wanted to do that I couldn't get approval for from my bosses. I replied that morally I couldn't tell my daughter that lying is wrong if I was willing to engage in the behavior myself. She felt that while lying is usually wrong, in this case, the ends justified the means. If my bosses were going to be irrational, I had a right to do as I pleased. She also suggested that a lot of people are doing far worse things in the world.
In both of these scenarios, the only driving factor when individuals make "moral" choices seems to be self-interest. Right and wrong fits neatly around personal desires. Tonight, President Obama referred to his health care reform as a "moral" issue. I fear, if he's the same as the rest of us, that simply means it's an issue in which he seeking his own personal or political gain. Just as Republicans have for so many years by claiming to have a monolopy on issues of "morality."
All of this leads me to a greater faith in a Christian worldview. Man is by nature evil. The only redemption that can occur is through a Savior. And through Christ we not only gain salvation, but we also gain the ability to care more about seeking truth and purity in morality than we do in self-preservation.
To the best of my understanding, the explanation for the existence of a concience and the idea of morality from those who believe there is no God is that it evolved as a way of furthering the species. My problem with that is I just don't see a great desire in most humans to further the species - I see a great desire to further personal comfort. Right and wrong is arbitrary based on what an individual wants, not on how to better mankind.
A final word on morality from my reading tonight. King David is a man put on a pedestal in most Christian circles. David, however, had one major selfish, immoral act recorded in Scripture. David had a man killed because he wanted to get with his wife. Then he got called out on it. The prophet Nathan informed him that despite his best efforts to hide this black deed, God had seen it. Most of us, when called out about a wrongdoing, have a quick response of defensiveness or excuses. David did not. David wrote:
"Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to you."
He didn't say: "Others have done worse. I'm a good person. I'll be forgiven." He said, "I need you to fix this dirt in my sinful nature. And while you're at it, God, use this ugly sin to convert other sinners like myself to you, my source of joy."
I have many black deeds on my own record. I pray for all of us the purity and strength David requested.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
To fret, or not to fret
Today I am learning about frustration.
For the past 2 weeks, I feel as if I've been given the runaround by my adminstration regarding a conference I've requested permission to attend. I feel I've been knowingly deceived. The issue culminated in an email I received this evening, which further offended me as a professional. I'm not going to lie - it's 10:20 PM and I'm full of anger right now. It will be difficult to go to sleep after feeling like this so late into the night.
The thing is, in the whole scheme of things, I realize that this is not that big of deal. Me not going to the conference will not bring about Armaggedon, and me being deceived is not exactly new. I feel a little guilty spending this much emotion on this (it's been building all day), when I know that I'm healthy and have everything in the world that I could need.
However, I think I know where the emotion comes from. I've felt it before. It has nothing to do with the size and scale of what I'm not being allowed to do. It has everything to do with being let down, with being told that something you thought was possible in an area of your life that is a huge priority for you is no longer possible.
I felt this way the first time I learned that many decisions made in education are based on politics, convenience, and punishments, not on common sense. When going through teacher education programs, we're all filled with romantic nonsense about how education is a magical land of elevated morals, a noble profession full of noble decisions. And so I, like so many other young teachers I'm sure, poured myself into the professional whole-heartedly. The day the curtain came crashing down on that idealistic world was a day of huge disappointment.
Whatever event pushed me over the edge into a place where I could see reality I'm sure wasn't a matter of life and death. But it was a matter of death to the idea I had for the possibilities of our education system. Education is a system run by humans, all of whom are flawed. And you can't know that until several events beat that reality into you.
I feel the same way today. Yes, I've been reminded that the educational hierarchy is broken. But my disappointment more comes from not being able to believe that I can have an open relationship with some of the people I work for. It comes from no longer believing that I should pursue a loftier vision for my work environment.
None of this makes education bad. If it were bad, I wouldn't be in it. I love teaching. But I can love teaching without believing things are as they should be.
I remember a few days ago I read in one of the Psalms the command, "Do not fret - it only causes harm." I've got no problem obeying and embracing most Biblical commands. This one hasn't been going so well this week. I've been fretting all over the place, about this and other things. I'm not sure it's done me any good.
Tomorrow I must go and serve students, not my anger. I am a professional, which is why I can do that. And I profess to follow Christ, which is why I must do that.
For the past 2 weeks, I feel as if I've been given the runaround by my adminstration regarding a conference I've requested permission to attend. I feel I've been knowingly deceived. The issue culminated in an email I received this evening, which further offended me as a professional. I'm not going to lie - it's 10:20 PM and I'm full of anger right now. It will be difficult to go to sleep after feeling like this so late into the night.
The thing is, in the whole scheme of things, I realize that this is not that big of deal. Me not going to the conference will not bring about Armaggedon, and me being deceived is not exactly new. I feel a little guilty spending this much emotion on this (it's been building all day), when I know that I'm healthy and have everything in the world that I could need.
However, I think I know where the emotion comes from. I've felt it before. It has nothing to do with the size and scale of what I'm not being allowed to do. It has everything to do with being let down, with being told that something you thought was possible in an area of your life that is a huge priority for you is no longer possible.
I felt this way the first time I learned that many decisions made in education are based on politics, convenience, and punishments, not on common sense. When going through teacher education programs, we're all filled with romantic nonsense about how education is a magical land of elevated morals, a noble profession full of noble decisions. And so I, like so many other young teachers I'm sure, poured myself into the professional whole-heartedly. The day the curtain came crashing down on that idealistic world was a day of huge disappointment.
Whatever event pushed me over the edge into a place where I could see reality I'm sure wasn't a matter of life and death. But it was a matter of death to the idea I had for the possibilities of our education system. Education is a system run by humans, all of whom are flawed. And you can't know that until several events beat that reality into you.
I feel the same way today. Yes, I've been reminded that the educational hierarchy is broken. But my disappointment more comes from not being able to believe that I can have an open relationship with some of the people I work for. It comes from no longer believing that I should pursue a loftier vision for my work environment.
None of this makes education bad. If it were bad, I wouldn't be in it. I love teaching. But I can love teaching without believing things are as they should be.
I remember a few days ago I read in one of the Psalms the command, "Do not fret - it only causes harm." I've got no problem obeying and embracing most Biblical commands. This one hasn't been going so well this week. I've been fretting all over the place, about this and other things. I'm not sure it's done me any good.
Tomorrow I must go and serve students, not my anger. I am a professional, which is why I can do that. And I profess to follow Christ, which is why I must do that.
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