Living Real Life at 3 AM

I'm in the middle of a frustrating stage of parenting. Leah, my two year old, is, well, two. I love her and melt when she giggles and can't wait to see her at the end of every day, but she is two. She is stubborn, crafty, deceptive, and a veritable roller coaster of emotions. She loves to wander the house nightly between 2 and 4 AM for no reason in particular. I keep hearing from others that this is a stage, and I keep telling myself the same thing. Yet I find myself frustrated on a daily basis while in this stage, and routinely find myself counting down the days until we're done with it so we can get back to real life with more peace, less drama, and more sleep. 

I realized this week how wrong-headed this approach is when I read this from C.S. Lewis: 

The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's "own," or "real" life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life - the life God is sending one day by day: what  one calls on'e "real life" is a phantom of one's own imagination.

I've allowed myself to get frustrated because I saw many of the natural tendencies of an average two-year-old as some sort of obstacle to living my life. In reality, this is my real life. This is what I am called to take care of right now. Real life is taking her to her room 3 times a night, dealing with potty training, and watching tantrums on days she doesn't sleep. If I am at my worst during these types of trials, then I am at my worst during the essential times of my real life. 

We like to pretend that being tired and frustrated give us a reason to act in a certain way or give us a "Get out of Sin Free" card. I did that because I was frustrated, or I didn't mean it, I'm just tired. But it is exactly in the interruptions, in the frustrations, in the fatigue that we really show who we are. Another Lewis quote from Mere Christianity:

When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected; I was caught off my guard. . . Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is?

The interruptions, the obstacles, the irritants that we all face - they are not going anywhere. There are here today, will be here tomorrow, and will always exist. Whatever stage of life we face today may pass, but another one with new challenges awaits. To wait for them to go away, looking forward to what one calls "my life" (which simply means time uninterrupted), is a formula for constant frustration. And it's a self-inflicted mood.

My life will be no easier when I am out of this parenting stage. Nor will I be a better person or father. How I respond now is how I respond to life and reveals who I am. I can not wait for it to get easier for me to be better.

Worshiping Weakness

As evidenced by this blog, I'm someone who tries to look carefully and purposefully at how I'm living in order to find a way to live better. It's the coach in me, wanting to look at more film and break down more stats in order to create the best practice or workout plan to win now, tomorrow, and in the future. I believe in it for my players, and I believe in it for me. God commands, "Consider your ways!" in Haggai, and it is a command that I take to heart.

I don't think that I'm special or in any way alone because of this. The market is flooded by books, videos, lectures, etc. offering advice and information to make us better and attack the weaknesses that keep us from our potential. That is all well and good. I think we must be careful in this pursuit of the perfect "me," however.

While the motivation of living a better life is important, the potential actions that it creates are dangerous. There is no other way to see it than to understand that the more I focus on myself, the less I focus on God. And all of a sudden, the perfect me becomes my god.

I've spent a great deal of the last decade and a half constantly asking what God's will for my life is. The more I think about it, though, the more I realize that God's will for me isn't to be in a certain job in a certain city with certain people doing certain ministries. More than anything, His will is for me to focus on Him. To want to focus on the possibilities in my life more than to focus on the grandeur of God is mere idol worship.

I haven't accomplished nearly as much as I'd like. I watch too much late night TV. I don't pray enough or read enough. I weigh 5 pounds more than I'd like, but I still consume Nutty Bars; and every day I wake up and say I'll have less coffee and then fail. I get crabby when I'm tired, and sometimes when I'm not. I run my mouth when I shouldn't, stay quiet when I shouldn't, and worry about my image.

And God is God.

It shouldn't be a tough decision to figure out where to place my focus.

I cannot, and should not ignore my own weaknesses. I can't be okay to stay as I am. But I will be much more effective at living better if I'm looking at the Holy One. Staring at the Source of all true joy will bring much more of it than will putting a microscope on my flaws.

"Other" Relationships

The minor prophets seem mostly concerned with the inability of God's people to spend any concerted attention towards God, instead making a god of themselves and dealing with the pain and shame of that choice. However, another reason a focus on self is so dangerous is because it ignores or sacrifices others around us.

God instead demands that we see what we can do for others. Read the following calls to action from Zechariah:
"Execute true justice,
Show mercy and compassion
Everyone to his brother.
Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless,
The alien or the poor.
Let none of you plan evil in his heart against his brother." (7:9-10)

"'Speak each man the truth to his neighbor;
Give judgment in your gates for truth, justice, and peace;
Let none of you think evil in your heart against your neighbor;
And do not love a false oath.
For all these are things that I hate,'
Says the Lord.'" (8:16-17)

Every line here speaks of a way to behave around others. Carefully, line by line, the prophet indicates that a true focus on God will lead to a desire to do good to others. Our natural inclination is not this way. But the command is there.

The other statement about other people made in the minor prophets, however, is much different. While we are called to do what we can and focus on others, we must not rely on them. They are not perfect, they will let us down, and they cannot save our souls. They improve our life; they do not fulfill it. Writes Micah:

"Do not trust in a friend;
Do not put your confidence in a companion;
Guard the doors of your mouth
From her who lies in your bosom.
For son dishonors father,
Daughter rises against her mother,
Daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law;
A man's enemies are the men of his own household.
Therefore I will look to the Lord;
I will wait for the God of my salvation;
My God will hear me." (7:5-7)

This is not a fun passage to read, but it rings true. Once I finally finished grad school, I spent much of my victory lap on spending time with people because I know how much better my life is with good people in it. However, every good person in my life that I can think of has at one time or another let me down in some way. Somewhere along the line I either expected them to be perfect, expected them to fulfill my every desire, or expected them to love me flawlessly and unconditionally. In short, I expected them to be God. And they're not. None of them. I love them and am thrilled to be readjusting my time and my priorities to break more bread with people. But they will not save me.

Be careful what you ask of others. Build relationships, do what you can for them, and live life well with them. Fulfill God's commands. But there is only one place to look for salvation, truth, and fulfillment. If you don't look there, your "other" relationships will suffer as well.

Out of Respect

Throughout my youth, one of the people I respected the most was my grandfather. Because of that, I acted differently around him than I would have otherwise; I wanted to be better around him. I talked less and listened more, becoming less self-centered, less self-righteous, less likely to screw around or act foolishly. Don't get me wrong, we had a ton of fun together. I just deferred to him and his wishes, especially in his house. Out of respect, I put my best foot forward.

The same is true for many other people I've held in a high regard throughout my lifetime, as I'm sure is the case for many of you. This isn't a shocking revelation; in fact, it's downright commonplace. It's what people do. To show respect and gain some back from others, we dress well, speak well, and act well. We behave better than we actually are, often because we believe we are better when we're in their presence. That's why they have our respect.

Is the same true about God?

I ask this question as the "Come as you are" culture seems to be sweeping churches of all denominations. In my own church, I hear the phrase, "God loves you just the way you are" seemingly several times each Sunday. And it's true, God does love me and you and our neighbor just the way we are, and it's true that we can worship God whenever, dressed however, in whatever manner we deem appropriate. Those are all true. But should we want to continue to be "just as you are" for very long?

God addressed this issue in Malachi:

"A son honors his father,

And a servant his master.

If then I am the Father,

Where is My honor?

And if I am a Master,

Where is My reverence?" (1:6)

Where indeed? If we act better around our parents and grandparents and bosses and future employers and in-laws because we respect them and because they deserve it, shouldn't we want to do the same for God? Shouldn't I want to be better with God than what I was yesterday?

Yes, come as you are. Come hip and trendy and comfortable. But don't stay that way. If not for yourself, then out of respect.

CS Lewis Study

Friends, family, and former students: Starting next week, I am leading an online discussion group studying C.S. Lewis books that will last until Christmas. The three books we’ll be studying are Mere Christianity, The Screwtape Letters, and The Great Divorce. If you want to join the group, I’d love to have you. Email me at shannondykstra@gmail.com to get started. We’ll read a little each week and dig in to the texts, discussing through Google Groups. While the discussion prompts will have a Christian bent (as this is originating as on online Sunday School class), atheists and Christians are both welcome and encouraged to throw in their two cents. If you’re looking for challenging discussion over classic literature, I’d love to have you join the group.

Scared of Success

The minor prophets don't merely point out errors; they also point to what success should look like. In those books are several goals, the completion of which offers joy, purpose, and a God-centered life. For instance:

1. Habakkuk challenges us to rejoice in all circumstances:

"Though the fig tree may not blossom,

Nor fruit be on the vines;

Though the labor of the olive may fail, 

And the fields yield no food. . .

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

I will joy in the God of my salvation." (3:17-18)

2. Zecharia demands that we become the one others come to:

"In those days ten men from every language of the nations shall grasp the sleeve of a Jewish man, saying, "Let us go with you, for we have heard that God is with you." (8:23)

3. Later in Zecharia, we are told that because there are things worth fighting for, we should strive to be great warriors:

"They shall be like mighty men,

Who tread down their enemies

In the mire of the streets in the battle.

They shall fight because the Lord is with them." (10:5)

4. Malachi tells us to come to God, so that we might be purified:

"For He is like a refiner's fire

And like launderer's soap.

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver;

He will purify the sons of Levi,

And purge them as gold and silver,

That they may offer to the Lord

An offering in righteousness." (3:2-3)

These are all great goals to have. My problem, and it seems the problem of many other Christians, is that thought these seem like good ideas, we're scared to death of them being true. We're simply not sure they are worth the cost. Rejoice in all things? Then I lose my right to complain, one of my favorite things to do, especially with others. It's an admonition that the world doesn't exist for my personal comfort, and that's not a reality that's easy to face. Become the one others seek? But I'm a busy guy. If others come to me, I lose my time, my freedom, my privacy. Do I really want to be sought out? And what about being a mighty warrior? Then it's my job to fight, and battles are hard. Warriors are called to action, not words or thoughts; warriors are in harm's way. And purification? I kind of like some of my imperfections. I want to be good. But pure? Refined? Sounds like a lot of work, really.

And on and on it goes in my head. I read these verses and get fired up to be all I can be, to go chase the success that is so clearly laid out for me. But I'm scared to death what that success may cost me. And ultimately, that reveals a lack of faith. Either I believe God, that this is what I was made for, that these goals will produce in my life joy and a closeness to God that will trump all other desires, or I like where I'm at and make myself into a god.

Sometimes you've got to pretend you believe something, through all the doubt, until you're actually convinced. I believe in God more than I believe in my own fear. It's time to act like it.

The Biggest Bus of All

My last several posts have been themed as "buses" - mistakes that I make over and over again - that were common in the books of the Old Testament prophets. Tonight I type about the biggest bus of all.

All the warnings of all the minor prophets can be summarized in two verses from Obadiah that spell out the root of all problems and the result:

• "The pride of your heart has deceived you." (1:3)
• "Shame shall cover you." (1:10)

It doesn't get a whole lot more complicated than that, yet I jump in front of this one all the time. I don't think I'm alone. While millions mimic the cry of "Pride cometh before the fall," it doesn't stop them and me from that descent. And it's tough to see in people, to really point out all the pride in all the people we come across each day, only because it is so common that it is no longer ugly. Most would agree a braggart is ugly, showing off skills whether he/she has them or not, self-promoting all the way, shamelessly stepping into a self-sponsored spotlight at all times. We point to that and call it pride, knowing we would never be so asinine, so clueless, so conceited.

But the common kind of pride, the one infecting me, is quieter, even revered. C.S. Lewis puts it this way in Mere Christianity: "The moment you have a self at all, there is a possibility of putting yourself first - wanting to be the center - wanting to be God, in fact." All that means is my prideful behavior is when I try to take control of my own life, when I call it my own, when I believe I can control it and behave in a manner that shows I believe everything in it should go my way. It's chasing dreams for me, not God. It's making money for me, not God. It's loving my wife to get something in return, loving my kids so others think I'm a good parent, doing my job well to gain a good reputation. It's doing all kinds of good things with the center of focus on me.

I like what Lewis said later in Mere Christianity as well: "In God you come up against something which is in every respect immeasurably superior to yourself. Unless you know God as that - and, therefore, know yourself as nothing in comparison - you do not know God at all. As long as you are proud you cannot know God."

The books of the prophets repeat this message over and over again, because God's people made (and make) that mistake over and over again. And in many assorted ways, shame covers them. The book of Zephaniah does show, however, what happens when that pride is eradicated His people seek him:

"Do not fear;

Zion, let not your hands be weak.

The Lord your God in your midst, 

The Mighty One, will save;

He will rejoice over you with gladness,

He will quiet you with His love,

He will rejoice over you with singing." (3:16-17)

The choice seems like an easy one.