Philosophy 4: Keeping Score

Here is my fourth post in a series of brief personal philosophical statements stemming from my graduate course final. This is my second writing dealing with ontology (the study of what it means to be. . . a human, a man, a teacher, a citizen, etc). I’ve addressed this topic before in the blog, but I think it bears repeating.

Philosophy Position #3: Don’t keep score. What it means to be an effective person in relationships is to follow this advice. I heard this mantra from a fellow teacher in my community a few months after moving back to Iowa. I needed help on a home improvement project; he encouraged me to ask several of the guys who were on the staff. I did, they helped, and the job was done marvelously. Afterward I started talking about how appreciative I was and that I really owed them all. At that point my friend told me there was only one rule for using this help: don’t keep score. I was told to ask when I needed something, and just make sure that when somebody needed something from me that I was there. I haven’t paid for a home improvement project in years following this advice. We don’t worry about who owes who, about how many favors we’ve done for one person and when it’s going to be our own turn. We don’t worry about who bought the last round or the last pizza. Nobody owes anybody anything.

I’ve heard this given as marriage advice as well, and I try to apply it to that area of my life. It’s hard. During the summer when I’m home alone with my daughters all day, it’s easy to start counting up all the housecleaning chores I’ve done and the number of diapers I’ve changed. It’s easy for her in the dead of basketball season to count the number of hours I’m even home, let alone compare our workloads. However, we’ve gotten pretty good at not keeping score. There is no ledger of wrongdoings or service. When we’re careful about it, there’s just love. And if I did start to keep score, I would do an awful lot of losing. I think I’ll keep the scoreboard lights shut off.

See related post.