A Matter of Convenience

So this one might rock the boat a little bit. . .

I was made proud by my church recently. I was surprised to hear from an engaged friend of mine that she wasn't getting married in our church (both her and her husband-to-be attend regularly). Then she told me why: our church won't marry couples who are living together, membership or no membership.

A few around us heard the conversation and were appalled. They couldn't believe that the church would be so judgmental, so exclusionary; and they were more shocked that her and her fiance were still willing to step foot into that church. While I believe many were waiting for me to join in the chorus of boos, in my head I was thinking, Good for our church. My mouth took the middle ground and said nothing.

Before I get too far into this, this isn't a blog post that is an indictment on couples living together before they're married. I don't have the energy or the words for that kind of post. I've told anyone who has asked that I think it's a bad idea, and I'd counsel anyone against it if my opinion were sought. It usually isn't, and I rarely comment. This isn't about that. This is about sticking to convictions, even when it's not convenient.

I'm proud of our church in this regard because it is taking a principled stand based on its theology. They believe it's wrong to live and sleep together before marriage, they believe they are supported by the only Book they hold sacred, and they're sticking to that. It would be way more convenient for them to let it slide, to not ask the question, to marry all who ask, especially members. That would be popular and easy. But they don't. They don't want to hear about how much rent money is being saved or the fact that it's the 21st Century or that it's now the way of the world. Convenience doesn't rule their stance on this. I don't see a lot of this in churches today - most prefer to offer suggested "guidelines" than make their members uncomfortable.

I'm shocked by how much I see convenience rule the morality of the teenagers I see on a daily basis. They believe stealing is wrong, unless it's only a little bit and it's from someone richer than them. They believe lying is wrong, unless it will help them get out of trouble or pass a test. They believe in following rules, except when those rules infringe on their opinion of what the rules should be. I have so many students who would label themselves as "good kids" (as would their parents) who I see try to justify "little" indiscretions with illogical arguments regarding their own comfort.

I'm saddened to see the same in adults. Those professing no strong convictions or no allegiance to God have little to worry about. But if you say you believe something, you can't just believe it when it's convenient. You can't in one breath say that "God is love" and in the other cut down your spouse out of frustration. You can't say that you owe everything you have to God and then not tithe. And you can't say you believe in Jesus Christ and then ignore all the words of his that don't fit your lifestyle. People love to say, "Well, I just can't believe that a loving God would _____________." And they insert into that blank their version of a comfortable lifestyle. This is no faith at all. This is a creation of a God of convenience.

There are examples in my own life. One that really bugs me is not what I did, but what I haven't done. I've been asked several times how I ended up in Nebraska for two years out of college. Most of the time, out of convenience, my answer has gone somewhere along the lines of it being a good job with a good boss and a chance to be a head coach right away. These were benefits for sure, but I usually completely leave out the part about the day where I absolutely to the core of my soul knew that God told me I had to go. I like to tell myself I leave this part out because it might make the listener uncomfortable. A more accurate answer is that it might make me uncomfortable. I believe that sharing about God is essential, yet I've bowed out of easy opportunities like this out of convenience, out of my own weakness for comfort.

This post came out a little stronger, perhaps, than others have. Read no pride into these words - this sermon is as essential for me as anyone else. But I've grown so weary of the criticism hurled at the few still willing to take principled stands (even if they're ones with which I disagree); and I'm beaten down by a pluralistic, make-God-in-my-own-image culture. I had to say something.

Antidote for Cranky

I came across an interesting blog today from the Desiring God website that provides great insight for fighting crankiness. That strategy is simple, yet it seems so effective: praise.

One quote in particular stood out to me: "When our mouths are empty of praise for others, it is probably because our hearts are full of love for self." I have speculated in blog posts this month that a focus on self and the unmet expectations that arise from a focus only on self leads to a majority of the anger and frustration and joy-killing attitude we experience. It stands to reason, then, that if I am focused on praising others, I will lose some of my self-centeredness.

If I think about it, I don't think I've ever been in a bad mood when praising someone/something. Whether it's Fazoli's breadsticks, inspiring man-to-man defense, a talented musician, or a great teacher I've encountered, whenever I lavish praise on them I become immediately happy. And that joy has very little to do with me. It's simply an expression of gratitude for the good things in life that God has provided. To praise is to be thankful; to be thankful is to be content.

Some criticize a God who asks to be praised. How foolish. To recognize and celebrate the goodness of God is to bask in great joy. It's impossible to complain when embracing beauty.

Battling a Father

God as "Father" is a powerful metaphor, one repeated often in Scripture. I believe it has proved effective for so many Christians because of the comfort they receive from knowing they have a perfect, loving father-figure who also just happens to be omniscient. One can walk around with confidence when possessing that kind of knowledge.

Lately I've approached my views on that relationship in a different way. Instead of the focus on this relationship coming from the perspective of the "child," I've come to appreciate the power of seeing this from the perspective of the father.

My focus on maintaining peace and joy regardless of circumstances this month, along with my exploration of the causes behind me losing these qualities, has led me to this view. Over the first half of this month, I've noticed that my misbehaving children are the most frequent trigger to me flipping out. On my last post I wrote that the true cause of anger is entitlement and unmet expectations, and that's the case here as well. It's just that this is lived out most frequently in my children, especially Elise at bedtime.

Elise, my 3 1/2 year old, is brilliantly wonderful and fantastic and unbelievably cute most of the time. And sometimes she's a demon. She's become a "battler" as of late. I don't handle this well. I like control too much, especially in my own home. Basically, she's got too much of her daddy in her.

I was venting about our recent battles to a friend who also has kids, and we both concluded that the best way to feel clueless is to be a parent. You try and fail, try and fail, and sometimes you never get it right. You strategize and use common sense, and it often rarely works. It's so frustrating: I'm working hard for her good, to make her life better, and she wants to do it her own way. That's when I thought about God.

This whole "God the Father" thing is perfect. This is exactly what God has to be going through on a second by second basis in all of our lives. If I am the kid, I am certainly no better than Elise. How often, I wonder, does God try and try and try to work for my good, only to be thwarted by my own stubbornness? How often do I throw my own little tantrum about something stupid just because I'm tired, need rest, and need to trust my Father?

I love thinking about the Almighty as my father. But I can't forget about the fact that that makes me the kid, the source of his righteous frustration. Keeping that in mind should make me a better father and child.

Root of Losing Peace

I've discovered a couple of things during my time in February of trying to focus on maintaining peace and joy, regardless of circumstances. The first is that when I want to maintain peace, it's not as hard as I thought. When I find myself in a position where I might have complained before, it takes about two seconds for me to remind myself that I'm not going to do that this month. Really, I've only said one thing to an official all month, and he promptly told me to shut up. So even when I forget, someone is there to remind me.

Granted, I haven't had any life-altering events that could lead me to the depths of despair, so it's not like I'm exceptionally battle-tested. However, that was true last month as well, and I was complaining then. So at least I know I've taken steps forward.

The second thing I learned is what the biggest source of frustration/anger/threats to peace is. I've tried to catalog the events that have caused me to get ruffled and lose peace. It's amazing how similar they all are. Ultimately, I've come to believe that unmet expectations are the great source of most people's (especially me) lack of peace.

When I get frustrated at home, it's because someone didn't meet an expectation. Perhaps I thought my wife was going to take care of something and she didn't. I may or may not have communicated that expectation; but if it was in my head that I expected something from her and didn't get it, peace vanishes and irritation rushes in.

I got mildly frustrated at an away game this weekend. I expect to get home late, as most of our games are 2 hours away. However, "Parent's Night" was scheduled for this school on this particular evening, and that event delayed our departure from their school by a good 45 minutes. My expectation of the latest I would get home was unmet. I got frustrated.

This is true at work, at home, for my plans on the weekends, and even during lunch by myself. When I don't get what I thought I'd get, I feel justified in getting angry and complaining. Which is stupid. When my wife doesn't do something I thought she'd do, I'm sure she has a great reason. And I'm sure that Parent's Night was important to those families (all 45 of the them) and a memorable evening for them. My problem in each case is the focus was on me and my agenda, not on others.

The bottom line here is that these expectations are merely a matter of entitlement on my end. This is the root cause of losing peace. The idea that I'm entitled to have an uninterrupted lunch or all officiating calls to go my way or to get done everything I schedule on a weekend is not only selfish, it's self-inflicting. Feeling entitled leaves no room for joy and countless opportunities for anger.

Sin leads to more sin. The sin of being self-serving, self-focusing, and self-entitling leads to the sin of living without joy and peace. The focus instead should be on God and others.

February's Focus

It’s a new month; therefore, it’s time to tackle another “resolution” on my list from my first post this year regarding all of the areas of improvement I sought last year and continue to seek this year. Last month I focused on being God-centered in all that I do.

The results of last month are, well . . . not necessarily tangible. But that tends to happen with non-measurable spiritual goals regarding one’s thoughts. Here’s what I do know: I worked harder to stay connected with God. I forced myself to read more, even if it was in little chunks. I began to take notes again. I listened to sermons and hymns when I had travel time. I read a blog last week by Donald Miller in which he wrote that the key with goals isn’t the lofty end; instead, it’s the daily work you can say you will do in pursuit of that end. Commit to the work, not the goals. I did daily work. I can say that.

This month I’ve decided to target a combination of two from the list that seem very closely connected:

• Have the “peace that passeth understanding.”
• Exhibit great joy and faith and self-control, especially in times of adversity.

I’m targeting these for a couple of reasons. One of the reasons is because it’s the last month of basketball season, and I need to learn to shut up at times during games. My job as the assistant is to calmly, coolly advise. It is not to get upset. This is hard. Passion is one of the reasons I got into coaching, and I believe my passion made me into a pretty good coach. I can’t lose passion; but I’ve got to reign in the anger, the frustration. They aren’t helping, and they aren’t part of my job description.

A second reason is that I’m tired right now. It’s a tough stretch, coaching, teaching, parenting, and doing grad work. The schedule, especially with a blitz of Saturday games, has squashed mental health time. I’m cranky. I’m easily agitated right now. I need to stop complaining. One of the classes I teach just got done reading an article from MSNBC calling the U.S. a “nation of whiners.” Christians are called to be different. I can’t be a whiner.

For last month it was easy to point to the daily action that I would do to work towards that area of improvement. It’s tougher with this one. One thing I plan on doing is trying to keep a list of events that spark a fierce reaction from me, that cause me to display a lack of peace. I’m open to other suggestions from my readers about daily steps forward for this.

I also will follow John Piper’s advice from a recent blog post: in order to protect my happiness (both from successes and from suffering), I must focus on one fact: "Great is your reward in heaven." If I can see that big picture in the day to day grind, I should be much more successful in maintaining peace and joy.