A Smile as Big as My Face

Several months ago Emily, the girls, and I were at a hotel swimming pool. We played and splashed as most people would, and then a spontaneous game erupted: Throw the Roo. Roo is our affectionate nickname for my oldest daughter, Elise. Emily and I began throwing her up in the air to each other in the pool, catching her as she splashed and flailed and giggled into our arms. We had a great time.

This week Elise decided she wanted to draw a picture of us playing "Throw the Roo." While she's experimented with art by drawing shapes; cutting up construction paper into millions of pieces of confetti and taping them on individually to random areas of our home; and placing ink stamps, paint, and markers on paper and most areas of her body, this was her first real "scene" that she's drawn. Though a biased parent, I was impressed with the result, as I had never seen her draw anything like this before.

I was more impressed when she began telling me about the picture. She told me that she was the one in the middle, and "I have a smile that's as big as my face because I was having so much fun." That felt good. Really good. I'm not going to lie, I carry around a lot of guilt, hoping I haven't cheated my daughters out of a lot of fun times because I've chosen to drown myself in graduate work or been on bus rides to Des Moines for basketball games. I hope they're not going to look back on their childhood and remember a father who was either absent or in his office in front of a computer screen. And I'm sure I'll always worry about that, regardless of what my schedule looks like. It was great, though, to hear that an unplanned event months ago was still in her memory as causing "a smile as big as my face."

These are the events I am committed to chasing, randomly and purposefully, for both my kids and myself. I think back to times where I smile that big just remembering them - on the river with a friend, nights on the patio around the fire, wiffle ball games, date nights. All of them are with people.

It's a fallen world with fallen people who will most assuredly disappoint me and my family at some point. I'm sure I'll cause my own share of disappointment as well. But I know I want Throw the Roo-type events in my life. I'm committed to chasing them, not fictitious markers of success, one relationship at a time. I'll have to ask Elise to draw them for me, but you'll be able to tell which ones we are: we'll be the ones smiling.