Independently Lonely

The Atlantic recently ran an interesting cover story entitled "Is Facebook Making us Lonely?" The article did a pretty good job of not simply throwing Facebook under the bus as an easy target; instead, it concludes that it makes lonely people lonelier and social people more social. The article is worth your time if you get a chance, but my focus in this post isn't necessarily on Facebook itself. Instead, a particular line jumped out at me from the article: "The problem, then, is that we invite loneliness, even though it makes us miserable."

That can't be right, can it? Inviting loneliness with our actions? Surely we would know if we were in fact taking actions towards loneliness. A closer look at my own actions, as well as those of our society, however, support the statement.

The article indicates that our culture here in America is particularly guilty in our quest for independence. We grow up believing that the worst possible adulthood would result in being "stuck" in the same town in which we grew up. We want financial independence, so we work ourselves to death trying to obtain it. We work endlessly on our homes, only we're too busy improving them to ever invite others over to enjoy it. We end up married to a job, miles away from friends and family, shut up in a home we're never satisfied with, watching TV alone so we can tweet alone what we are doing . . . alone. Whenever we can eliminate real people from the equation, we embrace it: self-checkout at the grocery store, self-serve at the pump, self-teaching with online high schools, online banking and shopping and entertainment. We are Americans, the rulers of self-reliance. And we're shocked that we feel lonely.

Many of my decisions over the past couple of years have worked directly against relationship building as well. In a quest for financial gain, professional protection, and more ashamedly, pride, I've been passing away the nights and weekends with a graduate degree. It's been a long, solitary journey. I've enjoyed much of the learning, but it's been learning away from friends, away from family, and away from society. While working towards creating future options, I sacrificed present people. It's been a costly couple of years.

Some people would rather be alone. Enjoying one's own company is not a crime. Being a recluse netted Emily Dickinson fame and fortune (though well after her death). In fact, the inability to be alone and be unplugged is a different problem entirely. To those of you who are happily alone - kudos.

But for people like me, it's time to live on purpose. Most of us desire relationships but are wired to chase independence. Without making conscious changes on purpose, this cycle will never change. I've begun making a few of those changes - my wife and I have set up a regularly scheduled dinner with close friends. I didn't write a blog and work out on Thursday night because having a beer with a couple of friends was more important. More changes are to come in July when I take complete possession of my schedule once again.

I know what I want, and it isn't to live life alone. I'm just not funny enough to stand myself for too long.