You Can't Always Get What You Want

My last post established that conflict is everywhere and unavoidable. In light of that, I’d like to devote a couple of posts to commentary on conflict. Today I’d like to look at what I see is the biggest root of conflict: desire.

Ultimately, conflict arises because there is a discrepancy between desire and reality. If I am entering conflict with somebody else, it is because either my desires or their desires are not matching up with reality, and the other person is to blame. I desire silence and my kid starts screaming - conflict. I desire to use the copy machine, but it’s broke; and the person who broke it left it for me to deal with - conflict. I desire not to see the underpants of 17 year old boys, but they feel fashion dictates for them to wear their jeans down around their thighs - conflict. It’s all a matter of desire; if my desires aren’t met or I’m not meeting the expectations of others’ desired realities, there will be a battle. After all, conflict is inevitable.

As I said in my last post, some of these desires are worth fighting for. I want my classroom silent during worktime, and I’ll engage in conflict with anyone trying to disrupt that. I want my daughters to obey and respect their parents. I want Netflix to leave my movie rental plan alone. These are not unreasonable desires.

However, I think knowing that conflict is inevitable provides us an opportunity to examine our desires and see if they’re worthy. What that I desire is worth fighting for? What is worth the conflict? And what would be nice, but I could live without? I know that I have many desires. I’m human. I’m sure you do too. Do I really need to go to battle for all of them? Am I really entitled to all of my wants?

For Christians, the question is simplified even more: Is what I desire going to ultimately bring me more comfort, or more glory for God? I think a lot of desires fall into one of those two categories, and I’m not sure there’s a lot of gray in between. If the answer is comfort for self, it’s probably not worth the potential damage to relationships to fight for it. If the answer is for the glory of God, then we should relax and approach it calmly anyway: He is in complete control, and we are His servants.

When conflict arises today, ask yourself what you really want. Let the answer guide the conflict from there.

Conflict is Coming

Somewhere along the line of human history, people in general have come to fear conflict. It's awkward, and we tend to avoid it if possible; and that seemed to make perfect sense to me until recently. My pastor noted something interesting in a sermon a few weeks back that stuck with me:

"This side of heaven, there will always be conflicts."

He's right, and that thought has stayed with me for a while. Humanity is fallen and selfish; the world is not a perfect place. Therefore, conflict will, and must occur. It's a fact of life. What's so striking about this is how shocked and frustrated I (and I assume most others) get when conflict pops up.

If I really think about it, I probably haven't encountered a conflict free day at school in a long, long time. I work with people, so it's inevitable. I am routinely in conflict with students, staff, parents, administration, or our "technology"; more often than not, it's some combination of all of it. Yet every time I get edgy or indignant. My sarcasm rises, and I seek out people to tell me that I'm right. Most ridiculously, I feel shocked that someone would dare come into conflict with me.

Recognizing the truth that conflict is inevitable on this side of heaven pushes me to be ready for conflict and not react poorly. Instead of responding with righteous indignation, a battle-plan for victory, witty retorts, or back-handed commentary, I could just seek reconciliation. I imagine that would be much more productive than running around screaming, "You're not going to believe what _____________ just said. . ."

By saying reconciliation, I'm not advocating just laying down and letting people walk all over me. There are many ideas, causes, and situations worth fighting for. Reconciliation isn't avoidance, and it's not becoming a doormat. No, some conflict is definitely worth engaging in.

All I'm saying is that some ways of entering into conflict are more effective than others. Shock is certainly not one of the effective ways. Instead, preparation, expectation, and direct discussion with the source all provide a better chance at ending (instead of avoiding) that conflict.

Someone is going to make both you and I angry tomorrow. Maybe even before that first cup of coffee. Let's be ready.

Change Theory

Change is hard.

In my yearly time of reflection afforded me by my two week break from teaching, I've once again been trying to consider what to change. I want to live on purpose, to take account of what is going well and what isn't, to actively pursue excellence in my experiences rather than rest on the laurels of the status quo. I am not living perfectly, or even at times competently; and these two weeks always give me a chance to stop checking papers, stop watching game film, stop writing grad papers, and decide on a game plan for the next few months.

The question I must answer is whether or not there can be a change to the game plan. You change strategy when you want a different result. Do I want a different result? I ask this because I am realizing more and more that change always costs something. My life and my time are full. All of ours is. We all spend our time and energy on something, filling our days with whatever we choose to fill them with. That might be video games, mission trips, Facebook, movies, yoga, work, or some complex combination of it all. If my goal for change is to be better at video games, I can't just spend more time on that. I've got to spend less time on something, perhaps yoga, in order to invest the time in video games. There is a cost.

To put it in basketball terms, when we put together a game plan, we cannot have it all. We cannot score all our points on the perimeter and all our points in the post. We cannot focus all our practice time on offense and all of defense. We can't double team every player on the other team. We have to choose. What are we willing to give up in order to get what we most want? What balance do we require in order to give ourselves the best chance to win?

That's where I'm at right now. I want live better at certain aspects of my life than I am right now. What am I willing to give up, though? What do I value with my time now that I can afford to sacrifice? I don't have a good answer. The danger with changing because it's a new year and it's time to change is not taking into account the costs or what will be sacrificed. If I dive headlong into the proposed changes, it might cost me something that brings me great joy now. Therefore, part of the consideration for change has to be, "What have I been doing well? What actions or priorities am I absolutely unwilling to part with?"

This year I hope for positive change, for all of you and for myself as well. May we all be wise in our game-planning.