It was another perfect evening on my front patio: 8 pm, the girls in bed, a quiet and comfortable evening outdoors with a good book in my hand. When the phone rang and I saw who it was, my first words were not about the near perfection I was experiencing. Instead I immediately mentioned that someone a couple of blocks away had apparently just acquired a drum set and they were interrupting the silence of the neighborhood. I was being inconvenienced, and I told him about it.
"How's the rest of your night, going?" he then asked. I recounted the events of our "bath night" for the girls at the house. In my rendition of the events, I left out my two beautiful children, my wife, and the time we got to spend together. I mentioned instead the chaos and how it was also an inconvenience of epic proportions.
"So what have you been up to the last couple of weeks?" was the next question. I mentioned my recent grad class, the horror of the experience, and how burned out I was about it.
My first words on the phone that night were all complaints. And all utterly stupid.
In this particular phone conversation, my friend was calling to let me know about a tragic event in his life. He had real problems, unspeakable problems, with pain I can't even fathom. He called me, his friend, looking for support. Instead he got trivial complaints.
In those opening five minutes it's possible that I lost a lot of credibility. My first words in that phone conversation indicated that I have absolutely no perspective in my life. I am one of the most blessed people in the world living a rewarding, comfortable lifestyle in which I am surrounded by people who love me. And I stupidly complained about a drum set three blocks away.
It's easy to complain. Too easy. Unfortunately, it seems like many people open conversations that way and end up in some sort of complaint competition, serious or not, sharing in varying degree of detail and dependability the inconveniences in their life.
There are times to share real hardships. I'm a big believer in honesty, and I don't think it's appropriate to answer the question "How is your day going?" with a lie of "Good, and you?" to satisfy social norms. However, first words must be carefully chosen. First words in all conversations need to respect the fact that you don't know what the person you're speaking with needs right now. You don't know what they've experienced, and you don't know why they want to talk.
The only thing you do know is that they don't need your complaints. Not in your first words. Especially when, like me, you really have nothing to complain about.
Great perspective. Thanks Shannon.
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