Tiger God

I read an interesting article in Time Magazine this week entitled "Tiger Mom" about a book written about parenting that's causing a lot of stir. In it, an American of Chinese descent recounts her "Chinese" parenting strategies that go against typical parenting behavior in the U.S. I'll leave my opinions regarding her controversial book aside, but one quote from the book that appeared in the article really stood out to me: "(Chinese parents) assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently." Her theory, which is backed by psychological research, is that if you treat kids as if they can handle difficult tasks (as opposed to sheltering them from adversity), they will approach those tasks with much more confidence and skill. She has high expectations for her children; however, those high expectations communicate a great confidence in them as well.

I think she's right about this. And I think that if people listened to God (the ultimate Father figure) more, they would in turn have higher confidence to achieve great things in their lives as well. Biblically speaking, God approaches us with high expectations and high confidence. For example:

• Christians are referred to as "holy" and "chosen." The Bible doesn't say we should act holy; it says we are holy, so we should act like it.
• We are told we have an essential calling as part of the Church body; and if we don't perform, the body will suffer greatly.
• We are told to be Christlike, and we are assured we have everything we need to accomplish that mind-boggling task.
• We are told that to whom much has been given, much will be expected.
• It is demanded that we not be lukewarm: don't be casual (especially with God), be passionate.
• We are commanded to love sacrificially, especially our enemies.
• We are guaranteed we will face trials, often unfair ones; but we are assured that we have the strength to persevere and that we will be better and happier if we do.

At no point does God say, "It would be cool if you could accomplish some of these, but I know I'm asking a lot." They are commands. If only we were listening more, perhaps we'd have the confidence in ourselves that God displays in us.

The article spent some time talking about just how unpopular in the U.S. many of author's methods are. In our helicopter parent, don't keep score for fear of hurting feelings, low grades harm self-esteem culture, of course higher expectations aren't going to be embraced. You can't be your kid's "buddy" if you're telling them that mediocre isn't good enough, that they can do better. Perhaps that's why these commands from Christ aren't so popular either. In America we don't necessarily want those demands on ourselves; we prefer a "Buddy Jesus" and a smiling George Carlin pastor (from the film Dogma) letting us know that "I'm okay, you're okay."

But that's not reality. Reality is a loving Father who says, "I love you too much to demand any less of you than your total joy." We can either pay attention and find that joy and confidence, or we can smile and quietly nod our head on Sunday and go out and survive another lukewarm week.

Image of Marriage

Sometimes words can't say enough, not quite as much as an image.

In my current grad school class, I'm studying the genre of "graphic novels." Sometimes that means the comics on which my daughter draws on Sunday mornings; other times that means books with words and images; and other times, like this past week, it means looking at texts that are complete stories told only in images. One of the "texts" was a bunch of wood carvings that some French dude put together to tell stories. Basically, it was just a bunch of naked women. I know I'm supposed to find the symbolism in it; but really, let's call a spade a spade - this guy just liked to carve naked women into wood, over and over and over.

The other text I "read" this week, however, was quite good. It's called The Arrival, and it depicts the immigrant experience. It shows a fictitious account of a man who leaves his home (and his wife and child) to go to a completely foreign land to create a place for his family to live. It does a great job of humanizing the struggles and the fears that immigrants and refugees face.

One image in particular really stood out to me:

This picture is early in the text and depicts the morning that the man is leaving for the new country. This, to me, is one of the most realistic portrayals of strong marriage I’ve seen (or read). Hand-on-hand, their faces stoic and uncertain, they know that they face challenges; however, they are together in this. They know what must be done; they know this will be difficult; and most importantly, they know they’re in it together and have total faith in the other. This text reveals the enormous amount of faith required in this marriage: his faith in her to raise their daughter and be strong without him, her faith in him to overcome an unfamiliar world and prepare a life for them. This picture displays that faith magnificently.

One concept the professor of this course has tried to get across is that some images say so much more than words. I can't agree more in this case. I think of all the books on doing marriage well that are out there. None of them, I would guess, have better advice than this picture. Difficult times will arise. Tough choices will have to be made, and those choices will bring about challenges. While these two aren't smiling at the challenge they face, they are in it together.

I talked to a friend who got married recently, and he was telling me about the marriage "counseling" sessions that he and his wife attended as part of the process of being married in their church. He told me that one of the things they told him was that the first year of marriage is the best - that it's a yearlong honeymoon. What a bunch of horse manure. I'm lucky my wife didn't kill me in my sleep during that first year. I likely would have deserved it. Instead of offering advice like this and trying to talk this guy and his wife through what marriage would be like, they should have just showed them this picture and said, "Do this, and you will be great."

This picture represents every difficult task that a strong married couple will face. Very few are going to experience this immigrant experience, but it's not always going to be something that big. I talked to another friend this weekend who's now working two jobs and he has two young children (one of whom isn't sleeping well). His wife also works. I imagine that every morning when the day starts, when they're trying to find energy to be good at work and parenting, they have to look at each other as the husband and wife in this picture do.

I don't like to offer marriage advice, as I don't believe that anyone really has it figured out. I think there's terrific biblical guidelines that would make so many more couples happier than they are now. But if I have any advice to offer, it is this: look at this image, and be this image. If you show this kind of faith and commitment in difficult times, you will be strong.

Every Possession

When you lose close games that you feel like, as a coach, you should have won, you look for ways that games should be going differently. So it was for me last week, after the loss I wrote about. I broke down tape of the game, possession by possession, trying to figure out why we were giving up points. I looked at all 70 possessions and charted what defense we were in, the result of the possession, and the mistakes that led to scores for the other team. The details that I found mean nothing to those of you with no experience in the intricacies of defensive strategy. The ultimate result, and the message to the team, was that in order to win we've got to place a greater value on every possession. There may not be a ton of things we can change; but if we can alter 2-3 possessions a game, the results could be dramatically different.

I took the same approach with my spiritual life over the last week or two as well. If I can analyze 70 defensive possessions to give our team a better chance to win basketball games, I can certainly look at the way I spend my "possessions" of time over the course of a day to hopefully create a better chance to be more spiritually and biblically effective. To start this year I listed all of my resolutions over the course of last year as points of emphasis for personal betterment this year (see post). I pegged January as the month that I would try to be more God-centered in all that I do.

The challenge with that lies in the time crunch. It's tough to stay connected with God with teaching, coaching basketball, two kids, and grad school. The hours just don't add up to get everything done; and unfortunately, time to stay connected with God is usually the (pardon the poor analogy) sacrificial lamb. I had to start looking at my "possessions" and find a way to alter some pieces of my day so that I could buy some extra time. It's one thing to say I'm going to focus on being better; it's an entirely different (and more difficult) thing to make that happen.

That said, I believe I found two adjustments that I could make. One, I started eating lunch by myself. I eat in my classroom now. By doing that I get twenty quiet minutes during which I can read. I hate a lot of parts of this plan - the food is the same every day, and I miss a lot of the conversation. However, taking this time to read Bible passages or biblical commentary has turned into a great part of my day. It's quiet, and I always feel stronger and more grounded in reality afterwards. The other thing I've done is take the 15 minutes from when I leave the basketball office to when I get home to listen to an audio book of a favorite pastor of mine on my mp3 player. This is no great sacrifice. Here in North Iowa, the radio is terrible anyway.

These are not huge steps. But they are steps forward that are producing in me a better ability to see God more in my daily actions. They by no means address the fact that I'm "finding time" for what should be the most important part of my life. But as I said, they are steps forward.

Every possession counts. Hopefully I continue to find ways to make better choices during my possessions of time each day.

Losing

Losing sucks.

The only thing literary about that sentence is its concise nature, but I can't think of a better way to say it.

We had a bad loss last night on the basketball floor. One point loss. For many reasons, this was the worst loss I've had coaching in a couple years. Awful loss.

I've advocated several times on this blog for a high risk lifestyle as a response to my risk = reward philosophy about life. The more emotion, time, energy, money, etc. one puts into something, the greater the reward is when it works out for them. Also, that means that the risk of loss is greater with failure, as more is on the line. The more you care, the more it hurts.

Last night and today, I've been dealing with the risk burden in the above equation. Most coaches understand this. You go through the game in your head play by play, and each time you do, you hope to will the outcome into something different. You'll be driving down the road, talking to your wife, then all of a sudden you'll remember the game and want to rip the steering wheel out in frustration. It's a very "special" time in every season. And it's the price of coaching.

I've said before that I feel lucky to have something with this much on the line right now, something in my professional career that I can throw this much passion and energy and risk into. This loss confirms that. It's good to experience frustration and pain and vomit-inducing images of poor defense and missed layups at all hours of the night. It means I care. And it's good to have something to care this much about. It's the price of making one area of my life "high risk."

I figured something else out last night, too. If you risk enough in other areas of your life, it all balances out. We had a gathering at our place after the game. I really did not feel like seeing anyone after the game, but it turned out really good. A lot of good friends I hadn't seen in a while were there. We had a few drinks, told a few stories, ate a lot of food, and everything was great for a while. I went back to being frustrated once everyone left, but it was great to have a diversion for a couple of hours.

Last night, even though I lost the risk in the basketball category of my life, I reaped the rewards in the relationship category. Some people aren't willing to risk the loss of privacy or independence or deal with the possible pain involved in relationships. They operate with low risk (few relationships) and accept a lower reward. I discovered a few people that I work with this week that seem to be making that choice. They have every right to make that choice in their life.

All I know, though, is that when I lose in big risks in other areas of my life, it's good to know the rewards of those relationships will balance it all out.

Two Steps Back to Make One Step Forward

The New Year is traditionally a time for resolutions, for a new, focused plan for personal betterment. I have no new no plan. I have no new focus.

This does not mean I’m not motivated to change.

If you read the Old Testament, the Israelites are a frustrating group of people. They are chosen by God and are explicitly told of all the benefits this includes. Then they screw up. They suffer. God fixes everything. They are happy. They screw up. They suffer. God fixes everything. . . You get the idea. They make the same mistakes over and over, and they look stupid. And they look familiar.

If you’re a follower of this blog, you know that I will at times use this as a forum for self-reflection and for points of focus for personal betterment. It’s easy to type about a plan or an idea; it’s difficult to live out that plan for a period longer than a week.

This new year, I look backward with the goal of moving forward. I’ve gone back through my 2010 blog posts, and I’ve found that I wrote about getting better at the following goals:

• Avoid an average life: be God-centered (especially in my coaching)
• Haste to bring him laud
• Have the peace that passeth understanding
• Pray big
• Have child-like faith: be curious and passionate and joyful
• Don’t fight alone, fight with God
• Be exceptional in the ordinary things
• Exhibit great joy and faith and self-control in times of adversity
• Fear the loss of God, not the loss of comfort
• Recognizing that I’m a tree in a story about a forest: I must care about the outcomes of others’ lives.

One mantra I repeat to my players is to not make the same mistake twice. The above list addresses problems I’ve made on an almost daily basis. To begin the New Year, I look to this list to guide my mental energies, my personal reform.

I can’t go after all of them at once. Being mediocre at many things is no good. I plan to focus on a new one each month. I start at the top. The next 8 weeks will be a whirlwind: I will seek to be God-centered in all that I do.

Happy New Year.