Training

So I've figured out that having two kids is hard. I knew one kid was tough, but two is really hard. Really hard. Many of you have been there. You're the ones laughing right now. You know that it's rare for both to sleep at the same time, that the oldest one doesn't recognize the fact that the youngest was up all night screaming, and that you basically give up all rights to anything you, personally, alone want to get done. Maybe it will get done; probably it won't. And there is crap strewn throughout your entire house (figuratively and literally), but you just don't care. It's wonderful - it's just mass chaos most of the time.

I haven't written a blog post in 2 weeks. I haven't worked out since. . . March? February? I barely get my dog walked. Worse, though, is that it's really tough finding time to read my Bible and pray. Doing that is strength for me and considered a vital part of a Christian's life. It just isn't getting done right now.

I can't decide if that's okay or not, but I'm figuring out a little bit that it's going to have to be okay. Maybe that's a weak copout or excuse, but life is just going to be like this for a while. Wonderful, but chaotic. The more I've thought about this, though, the more I've figured out that this is what I've been training for.

This is a test of the Christian training I've done throughout my life. I read and pray to be effective in the life situations in which God puts me. This is a life situation. Therefore, this is a test of my training. How effective am I when I'm tired? How well do I treat my wife? How well do I love my children? How well do I do my job, and how do I treat the people I come in contact with each day? How do I respond to adversity?

I think I've said this before, but fatigue has got to be the root of most sin. I've had some pretty angry displays when tired, and I've seen some significant sleep-deprived tirades from others as well. If I'm being 100% honest in this blog, I've got to admit that in the past month I've felt the following when tired:
- I've tried to keep score with my wife, and gotten frustrated when I thought I was ahead in terms of child care or household duties or workload.
- I've wanted to take Leah, the one month old, back to the store and perhaps get a fish instead.
- I've wanted to complain and mope and whine about the ineffective manner in which my school is operating and the way staff are treated.
- I've wanted to kill freshmen. Many freshmen. Long, painful, torturous deaths. And film them. And watch them over and over and over.

In the midst of this fatigue and frustration and lack of power from prayer or from Bible-reading, my reactions and my ability to conquer base emotions are a sign of my training. How far into my frustration do I remember my call to love my wife sacrificially, whether I feel like it or not? Or my call to lead my family well and the immense blessing that children are? Or my faith that God is in control, that he hasn't guaranteed any level of comfort in this life, and that my words in tough times reveal what I really believe about God to the world?

There have been days that I remember well and shut down the self-centered, woe is me garbage that I'm prone to. There have been others in which I've wallowed in frustration, almost embraced it in an "I deserve to feel like this!" manner. So far, though, I've experienced more of the former. And that's good. If I can't handle the wonderful chaos, how will I handle the inevitable disastrous chaos that will occur at some point in my life?

One of my favorite movies is Top Gun, and just before the final battle, one of the of superiors tells the fighter pilots after detailing the upcoming battle, "This is what you've been trained for. Make us proud." This is indeed what I've been trained for.