Reputation Gone Awry

I'm stuck this week with commentary but no answer to the commentary. I welcome all comments - I'd love fresh perspective on this one.

The question I've been turning over in my head is this: "How should I be seen by the world? What should my reputation in the world be?"

I'm big on reputation. I teach the value of it, and I've worked hard to develop mine. Basically I believe that my daily actions slowly create a reputation amongst others, and that collection of daily actions becomes my identity to them. Most people can list qualities that they'd like to be known for or that they believe about themselves - I'm a nice person, I'm generous, I'm passionate, I'm good at my job, I love my family. . . - but the question is whether or not their daily actions reflect those things. I've tried to teach my students and my basketball players that their actions on a daily basis speak of their character and their priorities and they should be very intentional about the messages they are sending about themselves to others. This week I was confronted with my own reputation.

I found out that one of my bosses (in education you have many) doesn't necessarily like the job I do. Of course I wasn't told that by the boss (another education perk: we believe in many bosses, zero honesty and feedback), but it was by a credible source. I was also told that I'm "polarizing." At first I was very upset. I've worked at this school as a teacher and coach for 3 years now, as long as any other position I've held. I felt like when I left my previous schools, I did so after obtaining respect from students, co-workers, and bosses alike. I'm sure I wasn't liked by everyone, but I certainly felt respected by most. Now, 3 years into this position, I was told I'm seen as a polarizing figure who isn't necessarily suited for more responsibility.

I've calmed down since. When I was upset, it wasn't in self-defense; I was disappointed in myself for building this reputation and was trying to figure out how to change that. I've been doing some thinking, though. How good of a reputation do I really want in this world?

I say that because many times in the New Testament, Christ guarantees trials and tribulations in this world. He says that if you follow Him, there's a great chance the world will hate you. This is good, He says, because we are not to be of the world. If the world loves us, we fit too well in this land.

However, it is also a New Testament theme that we are to represent Christ well in all that we do. We are to be Christ (in actions) to our neighbors. When we take on the name "Christian," what we do affects the reputation of Christ and the Church. I'm not sure the best way to do that is openly alienate all those around me.

I guess the question I have to ask myself is whether or not my actions are Christ-like. Christ was polarizing. Christ spoke hard truths (in love) to others, and they got pretty pissed off about it. He had enough people hate Him that he was executed with no evidence of wrongdoing. Yet he had fiercely loyal followers.

I'm not sure what this means to me. Obviously I don't want to necessarily be polarizing. The more people I can draw to me as a credible, caring person, the better Christ is represented. More dangerous than polarizing, though, would be compromising. And if I am polarizing because I don't compromise my faith, my views of morality, and my unwillingness to accept mediocrity from students and players, then polarizing is something I can embrace.

Thoughts?

Seeing God this weekend

While I can't remember the exact Psalm off the top of my head, I know that in one of them the writer expresses that evidence of God exists everywhere. Everywhere we look, we can see God here on earth. This weekend, and really all the time, one of the the greatest pictures for me of God here on earth is my mother. When I think about her words and actions when I'm with her, I realize I've seen the goodness of God. Here are some examples.

"Let the little children come to me."
My mother has time, patience, and energy for both of my daughters all of the time. I don't think I'll ever be able to match that level of patience. My 2 1/2 year old sprints to her when she sees her. When Mom visits, she's the first to the one month old in the middle of the night to rock her, and Mom looks like she feels like the luckiest person in the world in the morning for getting to do that.

Fervent prayer.
I remember Christ praying with great passion for his disciples, and I know how fervently Mom prays for her kids. Of course, we've given her many reasons to pray over the years. I know, though, that when Mom says she's praying for us, she really is praying for us.

Servant-heart.
When Mom comes to visit, all of a sudden dirty dishes disappear, the house is picked up, and laundry is magically finished. It's sometimes a chore to get her to sit down and just talk.

"In all things God works for the good of those who love Him."
Mom provides constant strength in times of desperation. When I'm tired and desperate for help, she is there. I don't like to be vulnerable around other people and appear as if I don't have everything under control, but I will with her. And I know she will do everything she can for my good.

Feed the 5 thousand.
This weekend we had several guests staying at our house for the wedding who arrived on Thursday evening. Emily remembered that we didn't have much in the house for breakfast and instructed me to get milk so we could at least eat cereal. A couple hours later Mom showed up, toting a large container of bagels from Panera. Later in the week she took me and Elise and my future brother-in-law out to lunch. A favorite dessert bar amongst Emily's family is named after Mom, who introduced the family to it. While it might not be quite 5 thousand people each time, like her mother before her, it's impossible to go hungry around Mom.

God has most certainly made it easy for me to see Him here on earth.

Training

So I've figured out that having two kids is hard. I knew one kid was tough, but two is really hard. Really hard. Many of you have been there. You're the ones laughing right now. You know that it's rare for both to sleep at the same time, that the oldest one doesn't recognize the fact that the youngest was up all night screaming, and that you basically give up all rights to anything you, personally, alone want to get done. Maybe it will get done; probably it won't. And there is crap strewn throughout your entire house (figuratively and literally), but you just don't care. It's wonderful - it's just mass chaos most of the time.

I haven't written a blog post in 2 weeks. I haven't worked out since. . . March? February? I barely get my dog walked. Worse, though, is that it's really tough finding time to read my Bible and pray. Doing that is strength for me and considered a vital part of a Christian's life. It just isn't getting done right now.

I can't decide if that's okay or not, but I'm figuring out a little bit that it's going to have to be okay. Maybe that's a weak copout or excuse, but life is just going to be like this for a while. Wonderful, but chaotic. The more I've thought about this, though, the more I've figured out that this is what I've been training for.

This is a test of the Christian training I've done throughout my life. I read and pray to be effective in the life situations in which God puts me. This is a life situation. Therefore, this is a test of my training. How effective am I when I'm tired? How well do I treat my wife? How well do I love my children? How well do I do my job, and how do I treat the people I come in contact with each day? How do I respond to adversity?

I think I've said this before, but fatigue has got to be the root of most sin. I've had some pretty angry displays when tired, and I've seen some significant sleep-deprived tirades from others as well. If I'm being 100% honest in this blog, I've got to admit that in the past month I've felt the following when tired:
- I've tried to keep score with my wife, and gotten frustrated when I thought I was ahead in terms of child care or household duties or workload.
- I've wanted to take Leah, the one month old, back to the store and perhaps get a fish instead.
- I've wanted to complain and mope and whine about the ineffective manner in which my school is operating and the way staff are treated.
- I've wanted to kill freshmen. Many freshmen. Long, painful, torturous deaths. And film them. And watch them over and over and over.

In the midst of this fatigue and frustration and lack of power from prayer or from Bible-reading, my reactions and my ability to conquer base emotions are a sign of my training. How far into my frustration do I remember my call to love my wife sacrificially, whether I feel like it or not? Or my call to lead my family well and the immense blessing that children are? Or my faith that God is in control, that he hasn't guaranteed any level of comfort in this life, and that my words in tough times reveal what I really believe about God to the world?

There have been days that I remember well and shut down the self-centered, woe is me garbage that I'm prone to. There have been others in which I've wallowed in frustration, almost embraced it in an "I deserve to feel like this!" manner. So far, though, I've experienced more of the former. And that's good. If I can't handle the wonderful chaos, how will I handle the inevitable disastrous chaos that will occur at some point in my life?

One of my favorite movies is Top Gun, and just before the final battle, one of the of superiors tells the fighter pilots after detailing the upcoming battle, "This is what you've been trained for. Make us proud." This is indeed what I've been trained for.