Wrong kind of fear

For some reason I woke up early on Saturday morning at about 5:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. Sleep is a precious commodity right now, as I prepare for the arrival of kid #2 and the subsequent months will little rest. Unable to get back to sleep, I made a pot of coffee and decided it was about time I returned to a little Bible reading.

I'm glad I did. It had been at least a good week or two at least since it had been opened. Luckily, next on my reading list was Psalm 91. I had written down Psalm 91 about a year ago the last time it was on my reading list and referred to it as a "Psalm of Success." In my quest to define a successful life that aligns more with God and less with American culture, my reading of the Psalm gave me a perfect definition of what life should be like. I felt like if I could just achieve what the writer was describing in this Psalm, that would be the picture of a successful life.

I wrote the Psalm down and typed it out, but I haven't paid much attention to it since then. Then I stumbled on it yesterday morning once again, and it became real all over again. I did some online reading of commentary on that particular Psalm, and several have referred to it as a song of assurance of God's protection. This makes sense because the result of the faith described in the Psalm is refuge and a lack of fear in life.

This got me thinking about fear. I often let fear dictate my life decisions. There are certain things I am scared to death of. Snakes, for instance. But that's not the kind of fear I'm talking about.

The best example I have is coaching. Ever since I've been out of the position of head coach, I've thought about getting out of the profession for a while. It's a big decision at the end of every year, and every year I get closer to not signing that freshman basketball contract. Ultimately, I think fear has kept me from that. I'm scared to death of not being a coach. That's been a major part of my identity for many years. I'm scared of losing the relationships I have because of coaching. I'm scared of being seen as just another teacher, of how I'd handle a season watching instead of coaching. I'm scared of giving up that part of my life, because that's a part of my life that I know and understand and is predictable (even though much of the "reliable" aspects of the position are ones that I don't like about the job).

Here's what I figured out yesterday morning, though. I'm scared of what a post-basketball identify for myself would be, but I haven't really been scared of what losing my identity as a Christ-follower would be, and I lose parts of that identity every year during the season. I'm scared of harming relationships by getting out of coaching, but I've never been fearful about harming my relationship with God (which occurs every season). I'm scared to lose my job or lose the comfortable life I have, when the only real fear I should have is the fear of losing God, or of wasting the gift of life I've been given by chasing after things that won't satisfy.

Coaching isn't a sin, and I might do it again. But the Bible is full of "Fear not. . ." statements, and Psalm 91 describes a fearless lifestyle driven by faith. And I've been too scared of losing comfort and predictability to go and grab it.