Living for the Children

I remember when the first of our group of friends had a baby. It was a wonderful and glorious and celebrated occasion; however, when I spoke to my friend a couple of months after the birth, his message was simple: "my life is over." It was difficult to understand this sentiment at the time, but then I had one of my own, and I remember thinking the exact same thing. Lest I be misunderstood here, let me clarify that both he and I loved (and love) our children. Neither of us were wishing it to be undone. What became abundantly clear, though, is that the life we had been living was indeed no more. No more making plans at the last minute. No more coming home from work with unlimited free time. Consistent sleep? Gone. The overwhelming message that the experience of parenthood taught us is that we were no longer the center of the universe, responsible only for ourselves and our spouses.

Of course it must be this way. This is a worthy and fulfilling change. However, I think it's a change that must be tempered a bit. We must strike a responsible balance in this change.

The temptation for me now (and I think for many parents) is to pour all our energies into our children. That sounds sacrificial, courageous, and even heroic, real parent-of-the-year material; but after thinking about this, I don't think that it's a terrific path. Yes, we are called to "build up a child in the way they should go," but I think we've got to be careful in the strategy.

Rather than giving up my life in order to live through my children, I should list what kind of a life I want for them, and be that. My kids don't need me to quit living and advise them; they need me to be a role model. Words are decent teachers; actions are much better ones.

What do I want for my daughters? A devoted marriage with a strong husband? Then I should be the ultimate husband in my home. A devoted prayer life and passion for God? Then I better have that for myself as well. Healthy living? Strong relationships? Fiscal responsibility? Constant personal improvement? Do my actions say those are important? Am I displaying those in my life?

I already see it in my girls. For better or worse, I've devoted a lot of the past 3 years to grad school. Elise, who is 4, will now disappear for about 20-30 minutes and report back that she's been working on her grad work. I've never told her education is important - my actions have communicated to her priorities. No matter how often I tell my girls that flatulence at the dinner table is a bad idea, my actions speak louder than my words (in more ways than one, unfortunately). They are watching - words mean little.

Were my friend and I right about life being over? Absolutely - our old lives are over. We carry a greater burden, a responsibility to more people now. But a new life is required. Now I've got to pursue all the things I want for my girls and act on those goals/dreams, not just talk about them. It's time to get busy living. . .