Anniversary

My blog turned one year old this week. It's tough to notice - this is one of the priorities in my life that has been on the backburner for much of the summer. I've written only about once every other week. But it does call for some reflection.

The biggest thing I can say is that I started with a goal - a worthy goal - of seeing daily events (of the world, of my life, in what I read) through a biblical worldview. I titled the blog "Prone to Wander" after the lyrics in the hymn "Come Thou Fount" because I felt I was prone to wander away from this. One year later, I think I might be worse at this. I have wandered greatly lately; and just as all the other times I've wandered, I haven't come out better for it.

I began the digging out process tonight, the "training" if you will to "work the fat off of the soul" (Hemingway quote). I opened my Bible for the first time in about a month and a half. While reading I realized just how stupid I've been during one of the most highly-stressed summers of my life.

Here's why I've been stupid: I tried to do this thing alone. The fact that the stress I put on myself due to my insane schedule was self-inflicted led me to carry the burden mentally alone. My wife helped me out a tremendous amount, but I tried not to burden her with the toll this was taking on my sanity. Mostly I felt guilty for putting her in a position where she was busier because I was busier. My family, especially my and Emily's parents, provided a tremendous amount of help as well. Again, though, I almost felt guilty every time I had to ask for that help. I felt like the guy who took on too much, so much that he had to find others to help him run his family. More guilt. More emotional burden. And the more there was, the more I tried to fight it alone.

I tried to fight it alone because my worldview sucked, because I had been wandering. I may write more about this summer and what I've learned, and I might not; but one incontrovertible fact is that I did next to nothing to maintain my relationship with Christ. If I had, I would have realized that I shouldn't be doing anything alone, no matter how worthy a goal or how much guilt I had assigned to it. Tonight I read about Christ as he's going to the death. In some of his final words to his disciples before he is crucified, he tells them, "Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." Later, he leads by example: he prays for himself. He asks for help. He is not in it alone.

I'm an idiot.

Year 2 begins with the same goals. I've enjoyed the commentary shared here, and this blog writing has been a very important part of my life over the last year. I enter year 2 with more knowledge, with more flaws, and with more followers than what I started with to hopefully push the conversation.

I pray that none of us be alone.