Being an umpire now for 8 summers has made me a better coach, and being a coach has made me a significantly better umpire. I'm better at each because I'm able to effectively put myself in the shoes of the other. I know how coaches want to be treated, and I know how umpires want to be spoken to. The coach-umpire relationship is fraught with conflict, disagreement, and emotion; yet the good ones (coaches and umpires) find a way to make that relationship work despite the obstacles. Looking at what it takes to make this work provides some keys for all of us who must deal with difficult people in difficult circumstances.
The first question that must be asked in any confrontational situation is this: Why are you talking? Seriously, what's your goal? As an umpire I tell coaches over and over again that they can ask me anything they want to when we're face to face. They can even tell me I'm wrong. I might be. But if they ask the question from the dugout, or from the third base line, they aren't asking to gain understanding; they aren't trying to fix the problem. All of a sudden, they're trying to create a show for the audience. The only reason to shout from 90 feet away is so that others can see you; and if that's the case, then you've already decided that you're right and the other person is against you. I've also seen some umpires say some pretty dumb things as well. The bad ones talk when they don't need to. They're trying to be cute, or garner favor with coaches, or establish that there will be no relationship and no communication because they've already decided that they're always right and above reproach. It's a stupid way to go, if the goal is effective communication and a relationship that works. It's equally stupid everywhere else besides athletic contests as well.
Secondly, you've got to realize the goal of the one with whom you're speaking. A coach's goal is to win. Every time. An umpire's goal is to go unnoticed by doing their job well. If both the coach and the umpire can keep in mind the main goal of the other, it washes over a number of sins. If coaches know I'm working hard to do my job well as an umpire, yet I happen to miss a call, they'll get over it. If officials know I'm spending countless hours trying to find a way to win, causing me to make comments I shouldn't, they'll work with me. And if coaches and umpires both understand that they share the goal of participating in a well-played, fair competition for teenage athletes, then all the better. You've got to know where the other person is coming from in order to make it work.
Finally, a short memory is key. I miss calls. I run my mouth from the sidelines. I'm less than perfect in both my athletic jobs. So is everyone else. We can either forget the mistakes and move on, working together towards our shared goal, or we can hold on to wrongs and never effectively work together. It's really tough to forget when you think someone wronged you (see my last post). It's tougher trying to go through life seeking perfect people to work with and share your life with.
Whether in a theological debate, a lovers quarrel, next to a co-worker, or speaking with your kids, I think these ideas are instructive. Speak to gain understanding without putting on a show, realize the goals of those in the conversation, and forget a lot. You may not like who you're working with by the end of it, but you may just have given yourself the opportunity to get what want.
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