I am scared to death of wanting something bad enough to commit to it. It's been my professional Achilles heel, I fear. Continuing on in my exploration of Miller's Million Miles in a Thousand Years, tonight I explore what it is I want.
Miller's definition of story: "A character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it."
So the question is, what story am I living? I'm the character living a story; what is it I want bad enough to overcome obstacles and engage in conflict to get it?
Miller also says this: "If you want to konw what a person's story is about, just ask them what they want. If we don't want anything, we are living boring stories, and if we want a Roomba vaccum clearner, we are living stupid stories."
Also, "Perhaps one of the reasons I've avoided having a clear ambition is the second you stand up and point toward a horizon, you realize how much there is to lose. It's always been this way."
I don't think I can really point to anything I'm willing to say I want professionally. It's always been about options for me. I never thought about doing anything other than being a teacher until around the end of my college undergraduate experience. Then it became a list of things I could do: I could commit completely to basketball and attempt to become a college coach. I could commit to education and become a professor. I could commit to theology and become a pastor of some sorts. I could write. I guess I decided I would stay in teaching until I was tired of it, all the time having in the back of my mind a list of other things I could do.
I'm almost 30, and I still can't say what I want. As Miller said, once an individual commits, there is a lot to lose. And as of now I've yet to find something I was so sure of that I was willing to risk that much for. So I got a degree, and then a national certification, and now am working on another degree, all under the guise of providing options for myself. Don't get me wrong; having options is a good thing. I've encountered too many people in my life who are miserable but don't have any options. I've always sworn I wouldn't turn out that way.
At the same time, I keep "giving myself options" without really ever committing to anything. Or perhaps by not choosing, I've chosen to commit to teaching (with several options if it doesn't work out). The bottom line here, though, is that I haven't sold myself on some prize or desire professionally, so I float around doing several things okay. My professional story is muddled, with no clear direction.
Perhaps there's nothing I want professionally because there's no room to want that. My career used to be hugely important to me. Now, if I'm listing things that I want that I'm not willing to relinquish for anything, that I'm willing to face obstacles and conflict to achieve, the list includes
- improved spiritual life
- lead my family well
- improved personal relationships
- personal health
- live with passion, don't just survive
These are my priorities at this point in my life. Some receive more attention than others. When I look back at my professional decisions over the past 3 years, they've been controlled by their effects on those priorities. That's not a bad thing. It's just frustrating to know that I'm not really chasing anything professionally right now. I don't know what to chase, what's worth sacrificing for. Perhaps there is a season for everything.
I'm rambling. I'm not sure if this makes any sense together anymore, but I'd love opinions on this topic. Any thoughts, readers?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I can't remember if we've talked about it before, but this reminds me of some thoughts I've had about how "giving yourself options" can be terribly limiting, and how making decisions with extremely long-term implications can be quite liberating. I've found marriage to be a great example of this.
ReplyDeleteOur lives seem to give us an overwhelming smorgasbord of options, and as a husband some of these are not congruent with the wants/needs/hopes of my wife. Though there are a limited number of paths I can consider, it is good because it helps to be able to focus in on the ones that are open. It's as though God has given me the gift of a spouse as a tool of discernment to eliminate a great number of options in life that would not work for us as a couple. It's counter-cultural in some ways, but it can be good to have fewer choices.
You've nailed down exactly what I struggled with for several years until God knocked me upside the head and said, "Don't you GET it?!" Professional goals are fine and dandy for sure. I think we would be terrible teachers without them. Obviously. But what if we looked at professional goals through a different lens--perhaps that of the Lord? What I discovered a few years ago is that what want for myself as a teacher sometimes isn't what God has made clear He wants of me. What I want as a teacher are often the things that can be on a checklist: master’s degree? Check. Revamp the sentence fluency unit so it’s more effective? Check. Create a new system of teaching vocabulary so students can learn it more effectively? Check. That’s the “easy” stuff. Sure, God wants us to create stimulating curriculum; present it in ways that are clear, engaging, and understandable; and generally be professional in our jobs. And those things take work, of course, but they often don’t require a constant struggling and blurred lines that come with what truly matters, which is giving a fallen people glimpses of His glory. I think you hit on something with your list of things you're unwilling to relinquish--what if God's career goal for us as teachers is to apply qualities like those to our jobs? What if His goal for my professional life is less about curriculum and what I “teach” on a daily basis and more about how He wants me to be missional in my approach to my classroom? A few years ago, my professional goals were along the lines of yours, intended to keep my options open in case I ever got sick of the nonstop work that faces me from August to June. But God had other plans. I know it carries elements of cliché, but I really might be the only believer many of my students ever know. And if I don’t pray for them each week, who will? If I don’t humbly approach the throne each morning and ask for the grace to be Christ in the flesh to my students each day, who will? My professional goals have changed. And I suppose maybe that’s how it should be. I’ll keep working at the things I can check off a list. But the things that are the most important are the ones that keep me humbly working to be a better servant every day.
ReplyDelete