New Year's Confession

"Now sanctify yourselves, sancitfy the house of the Lord God of your fathers, and carry out the rubbish from the holy place. . . Do not be negligent now, for the Lord has chosen you to stand before him. . ." Chronicles 29:5, 11

Happy New Year, and welcome back to the blog. My sabbatical was about a week longer than I anticipated, but after a two week focus on many of the people in my life (and dodging winter weather), I believe I'm ready to write again. Now I must sort through and find thoughts worthy of your time.

For today, I come with a confession of what I believe to be my greatest sin. While I do believe that all sin is equal in God's eyes, this particular sin costs me the most, which is why I'll call it my greatest sin. At least I hope it is; if not, I'm wandering without a clue. I came to this realization this week in a discussion with one of my New Year's Eve guests. Upon realizing it, I'm confessing it here with the goal of improving through public admission.

The sin is my lack of discipline. I used to believe I was a fairly disciplined person, but I think I had the wrong definition of disciplined. I thought I was disciplined because I kept myself from many common temptations: I don't use pornography, I don't use drugs, I don't cheat on my wife, I carefully spend money and tithe each month, I don't smoke, I go to work when I'm supposed to and do my job without cutting corners, I'm in good shape.

This, however, is not discipline. Frankly, these are easy for me. I've never had a desire for porn. I can't conceive of what it would take for me to cheat on my wife. I've never seen or been offered drugs. My metabolism is still through the roof. I'm not trying to belittle those who do struggle with these things. My point is exactly the opposite. I think in the past I've believed that all you have to do is make a decision that you're not going to engage in a behavior that is unhealthy or sinful, and it's as simple as sticking with that decision. It shouldn't be hard. But I recently saw in my own life a repetitive undisciplined approach to a weakness that I have sought to improve. I've found my so-called addiction.

My problem is one of not using the time I've been given wisely, especially the time between 8 pm and when I go to bed. I've discovered that is the only time I really have a choice with how I spend it. I have basketball practice and school all day, then I come home and take care of my daughter until her bedtime (approx. 8 pm). Then I can choose. And too many times I choose the television.

TV isn't bad - choosing the TV above one's priorities is. And I do that. A lot. Prayer and Bible reading are essential priorities for living the life I seek to lead. I don't want to know the time comparison over the past 2 months of TV to those activities. I want to do this blog. I want to read articles, books, commentaries, etc. I want to exercise, and I want to listen to sermons or lectures while doing that. Too many nights, though, I'm a little bit tired once Elise goes to bed. I sit down, just to watch one show. It's easy. Just one. But then I've got to check what's on after that one show. Now it's two. And now I'm too tired to do anything productive, and I could go to bed and get rest so I won't be tired tomorrow night, but staying on the couch flipping channels doesn't take a lot of energy. Maybe just one more. I've got to find out what life was like in the 90's by watching reruns of Rosanne.

These are my cigarrettes. This is my porn. I feel bad about myself when I drag myself off the couch to go to bed. I feel bad enough to be mad, and mad enough not to fall asleep right away, and then tired enough the next night to do it all over again. It's easy. It's comfortable. It's a lack of discipline.

I've got a self-inflicted packed schedule. But I chose it. I chose to coach basketball again this year. I chose to begin another graduate degree. I chose to write a blog. This lifestyle at this time doesn't allow a lot of free time. I've got to utilize what I've got. If there is a Sovereign God, then all time is a gift. Any time blown is a gift carelessly thrown away.

I'm tired of throwing away gifts, which is why I'm writing this here. It's time to carry out the rubbish, to sanctify myself for this year, as the verse above suggests. For those of you looking for some juicy sin who have found yourself disappointed by what I've written, you're reading this blog for the wrong reasons. And don't kid yourself as I have - this is serious sin. Today I pray for more discipline.