Today I am learning about frustration.
For the past 2 weeks, I feel as if I've been given the runaround by my adminstration regarding a conference I've requested permission to attend. I feel I've been knowingly deceived. The issue culminated in an email I received this evening, which further offended me as a professional. I'm not going to lie - it's 10:20 PM and I'm full of anger right now. It will be difficult to go to sleep after feeling like this so late into the night.
The thing is, in the whole scheme of things, I realize that this is not that big of deal. Me not going to the conference will not bring about Armaggedon, and me being deceived is not exactly new. I feel a little guilty spending this much emotion on this (it's been building all day), when I know that I'm healthy and have everything in the world that I could need.
However, I think I know where the emotion comes from. I've felt it before. It has nothing to do with the size and scale of what I'm not being allowed to do. It has everything to do with being let down, with being told that something you thought was possible in an area of your life that is a huge priority for you is no longer possible.
I felt this way the first time I learned that many decisions made in education are based on politics, convenience, and punishments, not on common sense. When going through teacher education programs, we're all filled with romantic nonsense about how education is a magical land of elevated morals, a noble profession full of noble decisions. And so I, like so many other young teachers I'm sure, poured myself into the professional whole-heartedly. The day the curtain came crashing down on that idealistic world was a day of huge disappointment.
Whatever event pushed me over the edge into a place where I could see reality I'm sure wasn't a matter of life and death. But it was a matter of death to the idea I had for the possibilities of our education system. Education is a system run by humans, all of whom are flawed. And you can't know that until several events beat that reality into you.
I feel the same way today. Yes, I've been reminded that the educational hierarchy is broken. But my disappointment more comes from not being able to believe that I can have an open relationship with some of the people I work for. It comes from no longer believing that I should pursue a loftier vision for my work environment.
None of this makes education bad. If it were bad, I wouldn't be in it. I love teaching. But I can love teaching without believing things are as they should be.
I remember a few days ago I read in one of the Psalms the command, "Do not fret - it only causes harm." I've got no problem obeying and embracing most Biblical commands. This one hasn't been going so well this week. I've been fretting all over the place, about this and other things. I'm not sure it's done me any good.
Tomorrow I must go and serve students, not my anger. I am a professional, which is why I can do that. And I profess to follow Christ, which is why I must do that.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
As I am sure you could guess, attending classes to reach an administrative level of professionalism (I know how contradictory that sounds) has opened my eyes to many things. Political decisions are made due to the ignorance of the public and the common belief that schools should be doing more than they are to raise their kids. Internally speaking, the GOB syndrome is how politics get played out within the school. GOB's or Good Ol' Boys have their hands so deep into how things run that change is often futile. It's political in the Fat Cat kind of way. Many politicians are looking out for themselves first and their constituents second and that is how many of the GOB's look at things as well.
ReplyDeleteI use the Duck Method. As in "water off a ducks back." There isn't much in this life that gets me riled. Does it piss you off? Yes. Is it going to affect how you teach? No. Can you do something about it? Maybe.
Let's start a charter school so we can do what we want.