In Response to Conflict

There are some people in this world who are hell-bent on conflict. They seek ways to stir the pot, peering around corners and through nothingness so that they may find something, somewhere, that has offended them. They want to be wronged; for them, to be wronged is a chance to be in the right. And they hold on to the wrongs, accumulating them like spare change to be collected, counted, and cashed in at the most opportune time.

Some days, those people are me.

Whether we find ourselves in conflict due to our own proclivities, the perspective of others, or through mere misunderstanding or misfortune, we live in a fallen world full of conflict. We disappoint and are disappointed. We feel hurt and inflict hurt. We seethe in spite and demand immediate forgiveness. Even at our best, conflict is just around the corner.

Jonathan Edwards knows conflict.

Edwards, one of the greatest theological minds in American history, is read as widely today as he was followed in 18th Century New England. He had a marvelous career as the spark of The Great Awakening and long-time pastor of his church. Yet that career ended in conflict, as his congregation voted him out after a lifetime of service. Before he left, he preached his "Farewell Sermon" in which he addressed the congregation as the conflict came to a conclusion. In ministering for the final time to the very individuals with whom he was in great conflict, Edwards offers what I believe to be great advice for handling conflict of all kinds. For example:

1. Compare the conflict and the attention you're paying to it to your real priorities. Edwards: "We have had great disputes how the church ought to be regulated; and indeed the subject of these disputes was of great importance; but the due regulation of your families is of no less, and, in some respects, of much great importance."

I spent the day today coordinating one of the sites for our youth basketball tournament today. What if parents spent as much energy ordering their family life as they do complaining about officials? That's only a small (and easy) example. We've got to ask ourselves how this conflict aligns with what's really important. If the conflict doesn't stem from protecting a core personal value, then perhaps we need to reevaluate the passion we have for it.

2. Understand what you're doing to yourself. Writes Edwards, "A contentious people will be a miserable people." I think it's fair to say that sometimes we hold on to hate and anger and wrongs because if we can store it all up, we feel like we can inflict it on our rival of the time. We want to spread that misery. In order to have the opportunity to spread it, we keep ourselves miserable. It's as if we're saying that it's not okay to be okay because we might spread being okay to someone we hope does not get the pleasure of feeling okay. Okay? The result? Misery squared, when joy squared is offered to us. Can it really be worth it to assure our own hurt for the mere chance to spread it?

3. Wish them well, then move on. What does a preacher do who has been told he can no longer preach? He spends every last moment available preaching, offering the best he has to offer, and then moves along to offer that message somewhere else. Towards the end of the sermon, Edwards offers this: "Another thing which I would advise to, that you may hereafter be prosperous people, is, that you would give yourselves much to prayer." Edwards holds to his convictions here. He does not lay down and say, "Okay, you're right. Go ahead and walk all over me." He maintains that what he is offering, Christ, is what they most need. In love, therefore, he offers them service, walks out the door, and serves elsewhere (in his case, as a missionary). He doesn't let conflict deter him from his life's work nor deter him from love for his new-found enemies.

Whether you're the source of the conflict or the victim, I believe this sermon has something to offer you. It is possible to be right and to be loving, to have emotion and perspective. You cannot avoid conflict. And you wouldn't like life very much if you tried. These pieces of advise offer a way to respond with great wisdom, and a way to come out of it better in the end.