Tonight I'm going to be more honest than I care to get about myself; but I've got to write something, and I can't fake my way through this one.
Basically, I'd like to reveal reality tonight - the reality of spiritual darkness. When I started this blog, one of my goals was to present real comments from an average guy about spirituality. In order to be most real, I've got to admit that feelings like this exist; and I don't know what to do about it.
I don't feel great right now. I'm fine, but I don't really feel much of anything other than frustration. I've been busy, and I've allowed myself to wander, which shouldn't be shocking based on the title of this blog. Frankly, I've gotten disconnected from God. I've read less and prayed less and been to church less than is absolutely necessary to maintain connectivity. So now I find myself here.
Where is here? Here is where you are when you open up your Bible and realize you don't have the focus or the motivation to keep reading. When you know you're just reading, not feeling and understanding and tasting truth from the pages. Here is where I know I should pray, but I don't have anything to say to God that doesn't sound fake. And I can't be fake. Here is where hymns are just words, a job is a job to endure, and blogs are tough to write because I'm so far from where I was when I wrote earlier posts.
Here is where my wife can't stand to be around me because I'm just not myself. Where I see more problems than possibilities, where I get frustrated at my daughter's first round of whining instead of the fifth, where I have so much to do and don't really want to do any of it because I'm tired and grumpy and the TV is so much easier.
I'm still enjoying life. And I'm still doing my job. I can go have a great weekend with my wife and my family, enjoying every minute of it. But when I get home and am alone, I am here. I can go to work and have great class discussions over literature and have meaningful conversations with kids. Then I leave, and I'm here.
I think we've all been "here." I hate admitting I'm here, and I hate even more that I have no idea how to get out of "here." But I had to write. And I had to be real tonight.
So here I am, being way more honest than I want to be. But if this is going to be a blog about the average man and spirituality, I've got to admit that "here" exists.
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You're not alone. I'm 'here' with you.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the honesty because I think we all end up 'here' from time to time. And for these reasons I am extremely thankful that God created marriage as a means for us understand our relationship with Him better, because it's through this analogy that I understand my own heart better.
ReplyDeleteAre we always caught up in the same passions we had for our spouse when we first met? Or are there times when we verge on ignoring one another?
Hopefully these times awaken us to the need for our hearts to change, to be humbled, and to draw near to God realizing how empty we are without Him.
James certainly has a good point in his comment above. There are times when the only way to describe our relationship with God is "in a funk." And it certainly has more to do with us! Thankfully God chooses us despite the fact that we are "prone to wander."
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