I'm back

For any who are wondering, I believe I've made it back out of the abyss of "here." It was a long journey, and it's the first topic that dominated several consecutive blog posts. One of the biggest things I learned is just how common this experience is. I had so many of you write or call or talk about your own experiences "here." "Here" is a reality - it happens to everyone. There is a season for everything, including a season to feel like crap and mope around about it. It happened to me, and it will happen again. Thought I don't look forward to sitting in a long funk again, the good times do taste much sweeter when compared to the not so good times. And when it comes again, I hope I remember what I've learned about getting out.

Strategy #1: I get by with a little help from my friends.
I got fed up and had a gathering of sorts with some of my close friends from my time at NS-RF high school. I felt like garbage, so I threw a party. We sat around my living room, enjoyed a few beverages, and we laughed. If you want to hear stories, sit in a room with a bunch of teachers and their spouses. I haven't laughed that hard in a while. I did briefly entertain the idea of becoming an X-ray technician (or something like that); but ultimately I came away not with with a career change, but with a great deal of joy. Which was pretty much the goal anyway. Too often I think we wait to celebrate big events. That night, we simply celebrated one of our biggest priorities, which is laughing together. I definitely had no time for self-pity in that environment.

Strategy #2: Be honest to those you trust.
I really hesitated to make any of my feelings public on this blog. I also don't enjoy talking about them openly with others as well. Against my better judgment, I did post it; and I also talked to a current teaching friend at Mason City. Frankly, it helped a lot. With my Mason City colleague, who was feeling the exact same way (especially about our job), we talked ourselves into no longer being the victim. We brought cookies and donuts to improve morale. We committed to telling more jokes between classes. I talked to several others or you, whether through Google chat, the phone, or elsewhere. It helped. 99.9% of people I would never be this honest with; those I trusted, however, proved worthy of that trust.

Strategy #3: Marry a patient spouse.
Although she never verbalized it, I imagine the thoughts going on in my wife's head went something like this: "I don't like you very much right now, but I do love you. At some point, the man I married will return. I hope that happens soon. Until then, I'll love you even though you're absolutely no fun at all." And she did. I hope she feels rewarded for her patience.

Strategy #4: Read wise authors, like MLK Jr.
This quote from King was especially important in the journey out:
"Do your work so well that no one could do it better. Do it so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will have to say: Here lived a man who did his job as if God Almighty called him at this particular time in history to do it."

I don't have to necessarily like my current situation to do that. And I must act as if I was called at this time and to this place to do my job, because I was. I'm here. And if an Almighty and Sovereign Being exists, He's responsible for that. So suck it up, Dykstra.

I wrote "wise" authors in the strategy as opposed to inspirational, because I found inspirational authors to do nothing for me. Those that usually inspire me did not have the words for me when I was "here." Wisdom was more inspiring than inspiration. Figure that one out. I suppose when the emotion one is most tied to is self-pity, appealing to one's emotions through inspirational talk will have little effect. That was my experience anyway.

Strategy #5: Do what you love.
I never stopped loving teaching. So I kept teaching. I love shooting the bull with other teachers, so I did that. I love my wife and my daughter and my family, so I stuck as closely to them as possible, even when I wasn't in the best of moods. I love coaching, so I got ready for the season. None of it fixed the events that put me in the funk, but doing what I love did make me remember that the little bad things going on that added up into big things ultimately didn't overcome the big positive things already in my life.


So through the grace of God, my friends, and my family, I feel like I'm back. I'm still busy, and I'm still somewhat dissatisfied with aspects of my job. None of that has changed. I'm just out of the abyss. It feels good to be out.

Self-Pity and and the Art of Potty-Training

My recent foray into self-pity over the past few weeks (or is it months now?) has taught me something. Self-pity is a drug that I abuse. It's drug for several reasons. When I don't want to feel anything else because I'm frustrated or fed up, I turn to self-pity. I turn to it because then it's all about me, all about my comfort. There's a certain high that comes from it initially, but there's a distinct (and longer) downer and hangover period after the fact. It's recreational and social - I love to use it and share it with friends. Seeing friends use it draws me into it even when I'm not originally using it myself. And it's addicting. Oh is it addicting, calling me back to it again and again, creating a binge of weeks (or months) that feels like a fog of time. Self-pity is a drug, and it is a demon.

I've at least figured out part of the source that created the downward spiral into this drug abuse. Like so many other people, it's my job. I'm not having a lot of fun right now, for several reasons. Part of it is I wonder whether or not I'll have my job at the end of the school year. And despite my frustrations, this is a job I want to keep. But a lot of it is the way my school is being run right now. I'll avoid the specifics, but the environment is the worst I've been in during my 8 years of teaching. And the most positive people I work with feel the same way at this point. Last Sunday's sermon at church was about work. I absolutely wanted to avoid that topic at all costs that day, but I did write down something that our pastor quoted in his sermon:
"While the carpenter is building the house, the house is building the carpenter." Unfortunately, I could see the way my work was "building" me, and the result was the drug addiction mentioned above.

Yesterday I was getting frustrated with my daughter. We're in the middle of potty training right now. She's interested in it, and she knows what she's supposed to do. She even cheers loudly for me every time I successfully urinate in the correct spot. She's only successful in finding the right spot at the right time for herself, though, about 1 in 6 or 7 times. I was just shaking my head yesterday. This is a kid who hates being dirty. Our napkin budget has tripled since she's began eating solid food, because she must stay clean. When we carved our pumpkin this year, she helped get the guts of the pumpkin out; but it was with a large spoon from a great distance away. She hates uncleanliness. I can't figure out why, then, she won't just use the toilet consistently. She understands the process. She knows she'll be wet and unhappy if she doesn't. And she's successful when she chooses to be. This doesn't make any sense, I thought to myself.

Then I went on a run and figured something out. I'm doing pretty much the exact same thing she's doing. I hate feeling like crap. I avoid it as much as possible. I know that to avoid extended periods of feeling like this, I must stay connected to God. Yet time and time again, God must look down and shake his head, wondering why I've wet myself all over again. I'm 29 years old, and I still need to wear pull-ups through the night because when things get dark in my life, I forget to use the toilet (figuratively speaking). My daughter's two. What's my excuse?

Clawing out

I fear the road out of spiritual darkness is a long one. I wrote last time about the "reality of here," and I'm finally getting around to trying to dig myself out. The most embarrassing thing about my writing is that I have nothing to complain about. Currently, I am financially secure, healthy, and comfortable. I have a terrific family and great friends; and both are relatively near to me geographically. I am not sick. I'm not in the middle of a divorce or on my way to one. I don't fear for my safety daily. I have limitless opportunities each day. All this by the grace of God.

Those facts, though, make it ridiculous for me to write about spiritual darkenss when so many I know have real complaints, real tragedies, real obstacles. Do not read this post and the previous one as insults. Personally embarrassing for me, yes. But certainly I have no intent to disrespect those with real problems.

The evidence suggests that I don't have real problems. My state of mind, however, suggests otherwise. So I've begun the digging out process.

I know I've got to start with prayer. Prayer is tough when you're "here." It's like not seeing an acquaintance for about 5 years (mostly because you didn't ever have time to return their phone calls), then running into them. What do you say? Sorry I'm an ass?

I know reading the Bible is key. But that feels like homework right now. 90% of the time reading the Bible feels like sitting down with an old friend. It's better than anything I've read, and I'm a literature teacher who loves what I teach. But right now it's not speaking to me. And a big part of the reason is my focus on all my work piling up on me.

I know I've got to lower my stress. But there's nothing greater (sarcasm, sarcasm) than demanding to a stressful person to knock it off, quit being stressed. Right now!!! Balance would lower stress, I'm sure. But balance would get fewer things done. Fewer things done would create more stress. A beautiful cycle.

I'm trying. I'm clawing. I'm desperate. And as I said to start, all things considered, I'm living a great life. I just can't wait to get out of "here." The journey continues. . .

The reality of "here"

Tonight I'm going to be more honest than I care to get about myself; but I've got to write something, and I can't fake my way through this one.

Basically, I'd like to reveal reality tonight - the reality of spiritual darkness. When I started this blog, one of my goals was to present real comments from an average guy about spirituality. In order to be most real, I've got to admit that feelings like this exist; and I don't know what to do about it.

I don't feel great right now. I'm fine, but I don't really feel much of anything other than frustration. I've been busy, and I've allowed myself to wander, which shouldn't be shocking based on the title of this blog. Frankly, I've gotten disconnected from God. I've read less and prayed less and been to church less than is absolutely necessary to maintain connectivity. So now I find myself here.

Where is here? Here is where you are when you open up your Bible and realize you don't have the focus or the motivation to keep reading. When you know you're just reading, not feeling and understanding and tasting truth from the pages. Here is where I know I should pray, but I don't have anything to say to God that doesn't sound fake. And I can't be fake. Here is where hymns are just words, a job is a job to endure, and blogs are tough to write because I'm so far from where I was when I wrote earlier posts.

Here is where my wife can't stand to be around me because I'm just not myself. Where I see more problems than possibilities, where I get frustrated at my daughter's first round of whining instead of the fifth, where I have so much to do and don't really want to do any of it because I'm tired and grumpy and the TV is so much easier.

I'm still enjoying life. And I'm still doing my job. I can go have a great weekend with my wife and my family, enjoying every minute of it. But when I get home and am alone, I am here. I can go to work and have great class discussions over literature and have meaningful conversations with kids. Then I leave, and I'm here.

I think we've all been "here." I hate admitting I'm here, and I hate even more that I have no idea how to get out of "here." But I had to write. And I had to be real tonight.

So here I am, being way more honest than I want to be. But if this is going to be a blog about the average man and spirituality, I've got to admit that "here" exists.